LightEcoSage's Humor Stories
by Light-Eco-Sage
Summary: Title change. All my oneshot humor stories will be going here from now on. Chapter 14: Just how did all that JakTorn Yaoi start? Well... read here to find out! It's funnier than you might think.
1. Torture

**Torture**

**By Light-Eco-Sage

* * *

**

**Rated: PG-13 for 'torture' and language, and minor sexual references.**

**Summery: Daxter gets captured and 'tortured' by Erol. Not as bad as it sounds. At least… it's not bloody. It's funnier than it sounds.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Jak and Daxter or anyone. Sniff…**

**Spoilers: No. (Unless you haven't played Jak 2.)**

**LES: I kinda… poke fun at 'The Spice Girls' in this fic. It is NOT serious. It is all in the fun of the fic! Please, don't get offended if you happen to like the Spice Girls! Sorry also to any other thing I poke fun at. I'M NOT BEING SERIOUS!!!!! Thank you…

* * *

**

(Daxter's POV)

"Uh…" I groaned as I woke up on a cold metal surface. That's strange… the last thing I remembered was Jak fighting a bunch of Krimzon Guards… he decided to run… and then… nothing. What had happened?

"So… our little friend decides to join us." A horribly familiar voice said. I opened my eyes and my worst fear was confirmed! Erol and a bunch of his minions were standing over in. I appeared to be in the fortress prison. I was chained to the same metal chair that I had found Jak in. I must've been captured! I looked around frantically for Jak, hoping he hadn't been caught too. "Oh no, rat," Erol said, reading my mind. "You're friend managed to escape us… for now. But not for long. I know you can talk… now you will tell me how to destroy Jak!"

I was completely horrified! Tell him how to kill my best friend! Never! "Sir." One Guard said, "He's not talking, are you sure…"

"Of coarse I'm sure you numbskull!" Erol spat. "Now, rat, don't force me to take drastic measures." _Drastic measures? _I thought. _Torture?_ I had a healthy respect for the type of torture Erol could inflect. The Dark Eco machine gleamed eerily in the dim light. Erol followed my gaze. "Oh no. Not that. We don't know what Dark Eco would do to you. It might kill you… we don't want you DEAD, we just want to spill your guts about Jak."

No Dark Eco torture! I breathed a sigh of relief. Erol noticed this and became angry. "Talk! Why don't you talk!?!" He demanded. I decided to provoke him. In my best Ottsel fashion, I began squeaking, just like a normal Ottsel. I could almost see the blood vessels popping in his forehead. "You chose the hard way, huh? Don't worry, rat, I'll break you… just like a did your Eco Freak friend!"

Erol walked away for a second, I resolved that I wouldn't talk; I wouldn't tell that bastard ANYTHING! No matter what!

Erol came back, rolling a TV. I was confused… pleasantly confused. _Cool! TV! These people know how to treat their prisoners!_ Erol pulled out a tape and put it in the VCR, and pushed play. "Alright, men, let's get out of here before it starts. Have fun… rat." Erol and his men left the room. I watched them go.

"Haha." I laughed when they were gone. "Suckers." I settled in to watch the movie. But gasped in horror when the title flashed on the screen…

'The Blair Witch Project.'

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

(Several Days Later…)

"Oh, God, no!" I cried as the movie finished and started over again for the millionth time. "Oh, God, please! I can't take it anymore! Jak! Help me!!!" I cried the hated title, 'The Blair Witch Project' flashed on the screen once more.

Suddenly the door opened. A man with his eyes closed walked across the room and shut off the movie. I nearly cried in relief. That was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced! Once the coast was clear and the movie safely turned off, Erol walked back into the room.

"Well, rat, enjoy the movie?" He asked sarcastically. I glared my up most defiant look at him. "Ready to turn your Eco Freak friend in?" I stuck my tongue out at him, remembering my promise to not talk. "Hmm…" Erol sighed. "He's got spirit, this one. But… I've got more tricks up my sleeve…" Erol reached into his pack and pulled out a single CD. I stared at it, hoping that it was a Korn CD, though that was too much to hope for. Erol stuck it into a Stereo System. "Earplugs in!" he ordered his men. They scrambled for the earplugs. My heart sank into my stomach. Once Erol had his ear plugs in, he pushed play and a musical beat sounded though the room:

'_Elvis was a cooler shaker,_

_Marley, Ziggy melody maker,_

_She's a bond babe, kick some ass,_

_Doctor No, this girl's got class._

_Charlie's Angels, girls on top._

_Handbags, here's their pistol rocks._

_Baby love are so glam queen_

_Sing the blues, a love supreme._

_Sixties Twiggy set the pace,_

_Way back when she had the pace.'_

I could hear other prisoners screaming in their cells:

"Oh, God, make it stop!"

"Please!"

"AUGHH!!!"

I think I was screaming too, but the song continued:

'_That's all in the past, legends built to last._

_But she's got something new._

_She's a power girl in a '90's world,_

_And she knows just what to do!_

_Cause the lady is a vamp, she's a vixen not a tramp._

_She's a dadadadada da da._

_Come on fellow, raise your bets cause you ain't seen nothing_

_She's the top of the top, she's the best!'_

I could hear myself crying, but I didn't care. This was the worst! I would've rather had another round with 'The Blair Witch Project!'

'Jackie O, we loved her so 

_Sorry Mr. President, as far as we know._

_Norma Jean had a 7 year itch._

_Some like it hot to a fever pitch._

_Sandy Denny summer love,_

_And Grady's T-birds to the moon above!_

_That's all in the past, legends built to last._

_But she's got something new._

_She's a power girl in a '90's world._

_She's a downtown swinging dude!_

_Cause the lady is a vamp, she's a vixen not a tramp,_

_She's a dadadadada da da!_

_Come on fellow, raise your bets cause you ain't seen nothing_

_She's the top of the top! She's the best!_

_Scary, Baby, Ginger, Posh, Sporty, yes, now that's your tot_

_We're the Spice Girls, ready to go!_

_Ladies and Gents, can you please take your seats_

_And we hope you enjoyed the show!_

_Thank you very much!'_

"STOP!!" I screamed, unable to remain quiet any longer. "Stop! Make it stop, please!"

"Ahh." Erol said, turning off the music and taking out the earplugs. "You break at last, rat!"

"Why?" I begged, "WHY?"

"Now that you're talking, tell us Jak's weakness. I've never met anyone without a weakness!" Erol said. "Jak has one too, I just need to find it!"

"I'll never tell you, Bastard!" I spat. "You're nothing but an insane madman!"

"Oh really?" Erol asked. He held up a little Ottsel-sized, red, revealing, women's lingerie. "Would a madman dress you in women's lingerie, then laugh uncontrollably while rubbing his hands together like a madman?"

Erol immediately jumped on me and put the lingerie on me. Erol stood back to admire his handiwork; he rubbed his hands together and laughed like a madman.

"Yes!" I said, "That's precisely what madmen do!"

"Well, you have your opinion and I have mine." Erol said. "We can agree to disagree."

"You're a psychopath!" I said.

"Hmm…" Erol said. "You're strong. I'll give you that. Most men would have broken long ago. But, are you strong enough to survive… this…" Erol pulled out an ordinary feather.

"Oh, God, no!" I cried. "Please, make it stop, make it stop!" Erol began to 'Tickle Torture' me! Oh my God, the tickling! I squirmed in an attempt to avoid the feather, but it was no use. The feather attacked my ticklish places over and over. I screamed in tickle agony. After minutes of this that seemed like hours, the feather ceased its attacks. I breathed again.

"I'll… never… tell…" I gasped.

"I've had it with you!" Erol said. "Bring in 'The Heavy Artillery!" He ordered one of the Guards. Two of them hurried off. _Oh God, no. What did they have in store this time?_ "I've heard this is quite effective… I've never tried it out, though. You'll have the honor of being the first."

"What are you going to do to me?" I asked.

"You'll see." Erol paused as the door opened once again and the two Guards came back in, but they were accompanied by the hottest woman I've ever seen! She wore SUPER-revealing clothes, and I began to get that special tingling feeling in my… tail.

"Ahhhh…" Erol said, "I see you like Candy." _Candy…_ I gasped in my mind. _Womanly perfection has a name… and it's Candy._ "See, here's the deal. You're staying in this prison no matter what. But, if you tell me how to capture the Eco Freak… I'll let you have congenial visits with her."

"Congenial visits?" I asked, confused.

"It means you can sleep with her." Erol explained.

"Are you sure she'd want to do that?" I asked, unable to believe. "I mean, I'm a Ottsel!"

Erol gave Candy a look, she walked up to me. She leaned over and gave me a quick French kiss! She stopped and said. "I'm not afraid of rabies." It was almost to good to be true!

"If you give us our information, I'll put you in a nice cell with Candy… if not… this deal expires and I'll continue torturing you. I have so many other things I could go to you."

I looked at Candy, then Erol, then Candy again. I thought of Jak, what would he do?

* * *

(Daxter's head)

"Candy or Daxter!" Erol demanded Jak in Daxter's little dream.

"CANDY!" Jak screamed.

* * *

(Real life)

"Okay. I take Candy." Daxter said.

"Good rat." Erol said. "Now, where can I find Jak, and what is his weakness?"

Daxter sighed. "Jak can be found at the Underground Hideout. 5673 Hidey Ave. It's a dead-end alley."

"And his weakness?" Erol demanded.

"What Jak is most afraid of in the world is…" Daxter was cut off by Erol's laughing. Erol had Jak now! He had him! The Eco Freak was as good as his!

* * *

(Hideout, Author's POV)

Jak sat on a cot with his head in his hands; Torn was sitting there with him.

"I don't see what you're so upset about, Jak!" Torn said, "There isn't a person in Haven City who isn't glad to see that rat go!"

"I let my best friend get captured by those Krimzon Guard bastards." Jak said miserably. "How can I save the City if I can't even save my own friend?"

"Stop mopping around, Jak… I've got another mission that may cheer you up…" Torn said, but Jak never found out what this mission was. For the Hideout doors opened and Erol walked calmly into the place. "Erol!" Torn said in shock. "How'd you find this place?"

"A little stool pigeon told me…" Erol said. Guards ran down the stairway until they outnumbered Jak and Torn by a considerable amount.

"Jak!" Torn said, eyeing the KG. "Go Dark Jak and kill them all!"

"Love to!" Jak said, grinning. He felt the Dark Eco start to become active in his body.

"Tut, tut, tut, Jak." Erol said, calmly, "I wouldn't do that. You'll force to release this." Erol produced a jar from somewhere. Jak felt the color leave his face. _No, it couldn't be…_ Jak thought. He felt his throat close up in fear, an emotion he was not used to. _Only Daxter knew…_

Torn noticed Jak not attacking. He glared at the time in the jar and thought that Erol had lost his marbles. "Jak, why aren't you attacking?"

"No!" Jak backed away from Erol and 'The Jar.' Torn was shocked, he had never, ever, seen Jak back down from anything! "No, oh God, no!" He backed against a wall. Unable to go any further, he sank to the floor and hid like a scared little girl.

Erol grinned, he didn't need to know why Jak was so afraid of something so little, all he knew was that it worked.

"Jak! Get up! It's just a freakin'…"

* * *

(A/N: Are you ready to find out what it is?)

* * *

"Wumpbee!" Torn yelled.

Indeed, a Wumpbee, only an inch long at the most, had Jak cowering in pure terror. Only Daxter knew this, but on Jak's ninth birthday, he was playing around a Wumpbee's Nest. And Jak accidentally fell into the thing, the Wumpbees stung him all over, and Jak had to get special care from Samos for a week. Most thought he got over this, but the experience created a deep phobia for Wumpbees that Jak had never gotten over of.

"Get him!" Erol ordered, using the Wumpbee to keep Jak still and in a corner. The Guards grabbed him and Torn and started to drag them to the KG fortress prison. "I've caught the Eco Freak and the Underground Leader… and it's not even ten o'clock. Not a bad morning." Erol said, as he followed his Guards out of the room.

* * *

(While Later, KG Fortress)

"AUGHHHH!!!" Jak screamed as he was put though the Dark Eco torture once again. Erol watched Jak twist and scream, silently remembering the good ol' days. Jak's screams died off as the treatment stopped.

"Now that we know this treatment is working, we'll make you into the perfect weapon yet!" Erol said excitedly. "I'll see you soon for more treatments, Eco Freak!"

Jak sighed as Erol left the room… leaving him alone. Well, almost alone… Jak had been horrified to find out that Daxter had ratted him out in exchange for SEX! He heard the traitorous Ottsel and his 'girlfriend,' Candy in one of the cells.

Jak took a deep breath, "DAXTER!!!!" Jak yelled.

The noises stopped. "Hang on, honey, Jakkie wants me." A pause. "Yeah, Jak?" Jak could barely see the Ottsel's smiling face though the bars on his cell.

"I swear by Mar, the Precursors, and by any God out there that if I ever escape this, I'll KILL you!" Jak vowed.

"I'd like to see you get out of those restraints!" Daxter laughed. "You can't… oh… Jak… I really didn't mean it… it was joke… AUGHHHHHHHH!!!"

* * *

**LES: Long story short. Jak got out… period. The End! R&R! No flames please. Constructive criticism is always welcome however.**


	2. Mystery Beast

**Mystery Beast**

**By Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: PG-13 for language, very mild Yaoi, (Yes, guy on guy) and severe drunkenness.**

**Summery: A mysterious monster haunts Keira's house. Jak, Daxter, Torn, and Sig volunteer to get rid of it, but things go… you'll see. Sometime during Jak 2.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

**LES: I know what you're thinking: 'LES? Yaoi? NO WAY!' Yes, way. However, the circumstances hardly qualify as Yaoi. You'll see. Yaoi haters: It's not too bad.

* * *

**

(Keira's house)

It was near midnight. Most of the City lights had gone out long ago, so it was dark. The storm clouds/pollution rained some sort of acid rain. So, basically, it was a dark and stormy night.

Most of the City folk had long since fallen asleep, dreaming of their meaningless and boring lives. Only a select few were still awake. Some were insomniacs, some were engaged in 'activities', and one was Erol, who isn't important to the story, but the author felt she should mention him anyway.

Only one awake person was important to this part of the story and that was a certain girl named Keira. She was sitting at her workbench, planning some modifications on her racing zoomer before the next big race.

Suddenly, a slight thumping noise split the silence of the quiet house. Keira looked up from her work. The single light from which she worked was hardly enough to piece the darkness around her. After several seconds of silence, the sound came again.

THUMP!

Now, anyone who has seen scary movies could tell you that when it is dark and rainy, and you hear a strange noise, the LAST thing you should do is go check it out. Sadly, Keira didn't watch many scary movies, they gave her nightmares, and so she was unfamiliar with the 'scary noise' rule.

Keira got up from her work as she went to investigate. She slowly walked though the dark house. The noise sounded again, coming from the door that led to the basement. Keira opened the basement door, it was dark. She reached for the light switch on the wall and flicked it, but the light didn't turn on. The basement remained dark and rather scary looking. Keira, being ignorant of the 'dark, scary basement' rule walked down the stairs.

Keira tripped over a stray box at the bottom of the stairs, cursing under her breath, she kicked the box out of the way. The noise sounded again and Keira froze. She reached for the closest pain-inducing object she had, the wench that was strapped to her waist, and held it like a weapon over her head. "Who's there?" She called into the darkness. "I warn you… I'm armed!"

A new sound made itself known from the darkness, a sound that sounded horribly like growling to Keira's panicked mind. Two glowing, fiery eyes appeared out of the darkness. Keira couldn't see the whole face, but she could see the fangs, dripping with slime, as it continued to growl at her.

Keira gave out a cry of fright as she turned, ran out of the basement without closing the door, though the house, and out into the raining night.

* * *

(Hip Hog Saloon. AKA: Fat Tub o' Lard's bar)

"Hey, Jak!" Daxter cried drunkenly from the bar, he paused to suppress a hiccup. "Why do you have…" Hiccup. "Four heads?"

Jak was banging his 'four heads' against the bar in exasperation. And he thought Daxter was annoying sober! That was nothing compared to when he was drunk! It was past midnight, he was tired, and Daxter was trying on his last nerve.

Tess, who somehow had much more patience for Daxter, tried to talk sense into him. "Daxxie, Jak doesn't have four heads."

Daxter stared at Tess, his eyes glazed over with drunkenness. "Tess," Hiccup. "You look green!" Hiccup. "Blue." Hiccup. "Red." Hiccup. "Yellow."

"Just shut up!" Jak pleaded.

"Pink." Hiccup. "Barf-green." Hiccup. "Goldenrod." Hiccup.

Suddenly the door opened with a flash of lightning. Everyone looked up to see a rain-soaked Keira standing in the doorway. Keira threw herself at Jak, gripping him firmly around the middle. Jak went red with embarrassment as Keira clung to him like he was her last hope. "Jak! Jak!" She sobbed into his tunic fabric.

About five seconds too late, Daxter called. "Keira? What are you doing here?"

"Keira? What is it?" Jak asked Keira, who had her face planted against his stomach. Keria began crying out her story so hysterically that no one could understand her. At that moment, Sig and Torn walked into the bar, both stopped and stared at the sight that met them. The sight of a crying woman who had Jak in a death-grip around the middle.

"Ah… is this a bad time?" Torn asked. "Because I could come back in a few hours if you want some 'alone time'…"

"Torn! Shut-up!" Jak yelled. Jak carefully pried Keira's arms off him and held her at arm's length, looking her in the eye. "Keira, calm down and tell me what happened!" Jak ordered.

Keira calmed down, a little, but she was still near hysterical. Finally, Jak could understand her. "Oh my God, Jak, it was horrible! I was alone in my house when I heard this noise…"

"And, let me guess, you went to check it out." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Unlike Keira, Jak was familiar with the scary noise rule.

"Yeah, and it was coming from the basement. I couldn't see it because the light wasn't working…" Keira began, but Jak interrupted her once more.

"So you went down into the basement." Once again, it was a statement, Jak was familiar with the scary basement rule also.

"Yeah, and…" Keira paused. "There's a monster in my basement!" Everyone gasped melodramatically. "It had fiery, glowing eyes, dripping fangs, and it must've been ten feet tall!"

"A monster, hmmm?" Jak asked.

"It is the monster mash!" Daxter sang drunkenly, probably not even aware of what was going on.

"Jak, please, go kill it!" Keira begged. "I won't feel safe in my house again until it's dead!"

"Hey, no problem." Jak said, flashing a heroic smile. "I'm the master of killing unsavory fiends!"

"No way you're going monster hunting with me!" Sig said. "Hang on, let me get Peacemaker." Sig left to get his Peacemaker.

"Monster hunting?" Torn shrugged. "It's not like I have anything better to do. I'll join you."

"Ain't nobody hunting monsters without Orange Lightning!" Daxter proclaimed, flinging his little arms around and knocking his purple drink all over the floor. Daxter stared at the mess he made. "You gotta try this shit, Jak." Daxter slurred.

"And end up like you?" Jak asked. "NO WAY!"

* * *

All four boys arrived at Keira's house. It was nearly one o'clock in the morning. All four were armed to the teeth, a deadly fighting force. Jak, armed with his deadly fighting skills, his even more deadly Dark Side, and his trusty Morph-Gun. Torn, armed with experience and a small, but deadly pistol, Sig, armed with brute strength and his beloved Peacemaker, and Daxter, armed with his drunkenness and his mouth… very scary weapons in their own right.

"Okay." Torn said, taking the role of leader. Jak was just a foot soldier, no matter how good his fighting skills, Sig wasn't a leader, and nobody wanted to follow a drunk Daxter. "Here's the plan. We're going to storm the house, go into the basement, and take out the monster before it has a chance to eat us."

"Don't look into its eyes!" Daxter yelled out of the blue.

Everyone turned towards Daxter. "Why?"

"Because its eyes are death-rays!" Daxter stated like every monster had death-ray eyes.

"Riiight…" Everyone said slowly as they stared at Daxter.

"Okay, on the count of three, we run in." Torn said. "One… two… two and a half… two and seven-eighths… three!" The four warriors ran into the house, screaming out different battle cries:

"Poopsieeeeeeeeeee!"

"Undergrouuuuuuuund!"

"Dark Ecoooooooooo!"

"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!"

The warriors ran though the hallway until they reached the open doorway that led to the basement. Once they were inside, the three men armed with weapons wasted no time in blowing the crap out of Keira's basement.

After a while, the shots died down and the dust settled. All the assault had achieved was destroying Keira's basement. There was no monster.

"Well, that worked out well." Jak said sarcastically.

"Yeah! We got the monster!" Daxter stupidly celebrated.

"We didn't get the monster, you drunk idiot!" Torn yelled, and then he paused. "Was the basement door open when we came in?"

Everyone looked at each other. "I don't remember opening a door." Jak said.

"I only opened the front door." Sig said. The three sober warriors looked at the door. If the door was open and the monster wasn't in the basement, that meant…

"Crap." Jak swore.

"Okay, no problem." Torn said, optimistically. "The monster's in the house. We'll just go up there and look around."

"Torn, there are a thousand and one places in this house for a monster to hide." Jak paused. "Believe me, I know."

"How do you know the hiding places in Keira's house?" Torn asked.

Jak's face paled. "None of your business!" Jak growled so angrily that Torn wisely decided to drop the subject.

"Whoa!" Daxter suddenly cried from the corner of the destroyed basement. Jak ran over, hopping over rubble and saw what Daxter saw.

"Oh my God!" Jak breathed. Torn and Sig were at his side in a second, staring down at what Daxter had discovered. It was several crates of beer that had somehow survived the destruction of the basement. "I didn't know Keira had a stash!" Jak said, prying a lid off one of the boxes and eyed the bottles.

Everyone stood there, staring at the beer, until Daxter spoke up. "Hey, I've got an idea! Let's forget what we came here for and get pissed!"

But the guys, who were there to help Keira get rid of her monster problem, said 'no.' "Okay!" They all said at the same time. This surprises the author so mush that she decides to sit back and see how this story would go on it's own. Turns out, she later regretted it… but that comes later!

* * *

(One mindless drunkenhour later)

"Jak… maybe you should lay off that stuff…" Torn said, trying to ignore the buzzing that was distracting him.

Jak, surrounded by empty bottles and holding a half empty one in his hand, yelled. "I decide when I stop!" Jak said stubbornly. "You're not my mom!"

"Jak, you've had like ten of those."

"And I don't feel a thing!" Jak said, trying to take another swig of the beer, but he missed his mouth, instead, it went straight up his nose.

"I believe it." Torn said as Jak coughed and gagged, he ended up puking.

Sig watched, shaking his head sadly. "Cherry can't hold his drinks."

"Hey, Jak!" Torn said once Jak was done being sick, he winked at Sig evilly. "I'll give you five hundred dollars if you make-out with Daxter!"

Jak glared at Torn. "I'll do it if you make-out with Sig!"

Torn glared at Jak, then at Sig. Torn and Sig nodded and gave each other a quick peck on the lips. Both men gagged and spat on the ground, trying to rid themselves of the kiss.

"That was so weak!" Daxter yelled.

"There, I've kissed Sig." Torn said, looking thoughly disgusted at what he just did. "Now, you have to kiss the rat!" Torn said.

By now, the author is screaming, "No! No Yaoi!" Jak and Daxter glance at each other and nod. "NO!" The author screams.

Jak and Daxter's mouths met in a full-blown, wet, tonguey kiss. Sig gagged loudly and Torn actually got sick as Jak continued to make-out with Daxter, a very strange thing to witness since Jak was a fully-grown elf and Daxter was an Ottsel one-eighth Jak's size.

They separated, neither showing any sign of disgust. "HA!" Jak said, pointing at Torn and laughing like a maniac. "You owe me five hundred dollars!"

"You two make me sick!" Torn said truthfully.

"I'm starting to wonder if those two really are gay…" Sig said.

Daxter screwed up his face as he thought. "Nah, I like boobs."

"Yeah, me too." Jak's eyes glazed over strangely, perhaps thinking of a certain girl's… never mind.

"I'm getting the feeling that we're here for something." Daxter said suddenly. "But I can't remember what."

"It's probably nothing. Ignore it." Torn ordered. Suddenly, all the lights in the house went off, and someone screamed like a girl. "Jak, was that you?" Torn asked, referring to the scream.

"Uh… no." Jak said, clearly lying.

"Oh my God! The monster!" Sig yelled, suddenly remembering why they were there in the first place. The warriors picked up their weapons and aimed randomly into the darkness.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, two fiery glowing eyes materialized. Jak aimed at the eyes, but in his drunken state, he missed horribly.

Torn shot at it, and his aim was true, but the monster disappeared into the darkness before the bullet struck it.

The three warriors and the Ottsel stood in a circle, facing outwards. It was Sig's turn to scream like a girl. "Crap! Something just brushed against my leg!"

Suddenly, something attacked Jak's face; he fell to the ground, trying to get his assailant off him. "Get it off! GET IT OFF!" Jak panicked.

Torn reached down and grabbed the thing. "Got it!" Torn yelled. Then he saw what it was that he was holding. "Oh my God!" Torn breathed.

"No way!" Jak said, seeing the thing that attacked him.

"Well, I didn't expect this." Sig admitted.

Daxter laughed. "We are such idiots!"

* * *

(Hip Hog)

It was near three o'clock in the morning and Tess was still sitting up with Keira. "I wonder what's taking them so long?" Tess wondered. "They should've been back by now."

"Maybe the monster has killed them all or banished them to another dimension." Keira stated fearfully, as she was still paranoid.

Suddenly, the door opened and the four warriors came in. Actually, Jak was leaning heavily on Torn because he was still drunk as hell and couldn't stand up straight.

"What happened to you, Jak?" Tess asked.

"Did the monster do that to you?" Keira asked, thinking that he was injured.

"No." Torn said. "He's just drunk as hell."

"Drunk?" Tess asked, and then she decided that she didn't want to know. "Well, did you find the monster?"

Torn looked down at his feet, as though he were embarrassed. "Yes." He answered.

"Is it dead?" Keira asked hopefully.

Sig pretended to be interested in some nail that was sticking out of the wall. "No." He answered.

"Then…" Tess said slowly, "Where is it?"

"Right here with us!" Daxter exclaimed.

"You brought it… here?" Keira squeaked as she hid behind Tess.

"Keira…" Jak managed to say though his drunken haze. "You didn't see a monster." He reached into his pack thingy which was somehow large enough to hold whatever they had. "This is what you saw." Jak put the little creature on a nearby table for everyone to see.

"A MUSE!" All four warriors exclaimed at once. Indeed, it was a little glowing squirrel-like creature that was about Daxter's size, full of spunk, and crazy as a lark, sort of like Daxter's sidekick. It inspected everyone in the room with its black eyes, purring. Keira recognized the purring as the sound she had heard the monster make. She had thought it was growling. It curled up, cat-like, and went to sleep on the table.

"Dripping fangs?" Torn asked, reciting Keira's description of the monster, looking at the muse's small 'fangs.'

"Ten feet tall?" Sig asked.

"I kind of like the 'burning eyes' part." Jak said drunkenly.

"And it sure as hell don't have death-ray eyes!" Daxter proclaimed, causing everyone to stare at him.

"Torn, man, you owe me five hundred bucks." Jak said, referring to the earlier bet. Torn sighed as he got out five hundred bucks and handed it to Jak. Jak kissed the money, "This is the easiest five hundred bucks I've ever made!"

"I want half of it!" Daxter said. "You wouldn't have that money if I hadn't agreed to your stupid bet!"

"No way, I made the bet with Torn!" Jak countered. "You were just a victim."

"Why you…" Daxter let the threat hang as he launched himself at Jak and tried to wrestle the money out of his hands. Jak, of coarse, won. "Fine, keep the stupid money!" Daxter pouted. "But the next time you make a bet like that, you can kiss my ass!"

Torn, Sig, and especially Jak, screwed up their faces in disgust. "Ewww!" All three said.

Tess and Keira had watched the whole scene with confusion apparent on their faces. "Do you want to know what's going on?" Tess asked.

"No." Keira answered truthfully.

"Hmmm…" Tess sighed. "I don't either."

* * *

(Epilogue)

Everything went back to normal. The four guys never talked about what happened while they were drunk, preferring not to live with the embarrassment. Jak spent his money on new weapon mods, which Daxter promptly destroyed in jealously. In a surprise move, Keira kept the little muse as a pet, naming it 'Jack.' She claimed it wasn't named after Jak because it had a 'c' in it, she never explained why it was spelled 'Jak' on the nametag. Daxter kept drinking, and Jak kept pissing the Baron off until the end of the game, and even after, Daxter continued to drink and Jak continued to blow things up.

So… basically, everything was back to normal… the end.

* * *

**LES: (is mortified and sitting in a corner) OMG… OMG… OMG… OMG…**

**Muse: Guess who made a cameo?**

**LES: OMG… OMG… OMG…**

**Muse: Me! I was the muse who scared Keira!**

**LES: OMG… OMG… OMG… OMG…**

**Muse: LES has never written guy on guy stuff before, no matter how innocent, she'll be like this for awhile…**

**LES: OMG… OMG… OMG… OMG…**


	3. Dark Eco Trouble

**Dark Eco Trouble**

**By Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: PG-13 for violence, language, and drug reference (Dark Eco) and implied romance. (JK)**

**Summery: Jak has a problem, and it isn't Daxter! What if Jak got addicted to Dark Eco? And what if he went to Daxter for help? Laughs insure.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff. **

**Inspiration: About ten Ho-Ho's, a forty-year old comic book, 'The Shining' By Steven King, and the Drug Problem.**

**LES: Note that the Drug Problem IS a PROBLEM! Even though this fic makes a humorous stab at Jak being addicted to Dark Eco, I don't want to make it seem like drugs are okay! Just say 'No!' Or, in the immortal words of Gaylord Focker ('Meet the Parents') "I pass on grass."

* * *

**

It all began on a nice sunny day in Haven City. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the plot-holes were at a minimum.

Jak was walking down the street, agasting, which was basically all he did now a days. He agasted over his Dark Side, Keira, Daxter, his Dark Side, de-caff coffee, whether he left the light on, if someone had changed the toilet paper, his Dark Side, the meaning of life, and, most importantly, his Dark Side.

Jak, to put it short, had many problems. But now Jak had a new problem to deal with. Jak had known for quite a while that he was slowly becoming dependent on the Dark Eco, but he thought nothing of it. Now, however, he could barely go a day without the stuff running in his veins.

Yes, he had become addicted. (Duh duh duh duhhhhh!)

Jak knew he had a problem, and that's the first step to fixing a problem, right? Admitting that you have a problem. But, now Jak just needed to get rid of his problem.

Jak knew that getting rid of a Dark Eco addiction would not be easy. Jak would need professional help. And he could think of no one else on the planet more qualified than…

* * *

"Daxter?" Jak called out as he entered his friend's pub, The Naughty Ottsel. Daxter dropped down from the ceiling and landed right on Jak's head and, let me tell you, having a ten-pound rat land on your head is NOT fun! "Daxter!" Jak repeated in an angrier tone as he pulled the rat off his head and tossed him onto a nearby table. "Stop doing that!" Jak roared, "That's the fifth time this week!"

"I can't help it, Jak!" Daxter, the Ottsel in question, protested with mock-innocence. "Your head is such an easy target!" Daxter brushed some non-existent dust off his fur, and then he asked. "So, what brings you here, buddy?"

"I… need your help." Jak admitted.

"Jak? The almighty hero? Needs my help?" Daxter scoffed, "No way!"

"Come on, Dax." Jak said. "It's important."

Daxter examined Jak, and then he asked. "Okay, so, why do you need my help?"

"See…" Jak paused, and then rushed ahead in one breath. "I'm-addicted-to-Dark-Eco."

Daxter nodded his head slowly. "Ve-e-ery interesting…" Daxter said, steepling his fingers and leaning back in his chair. However, he wasn't in a chair that is made for leaning back. He fell off and hit the ground. Once he got back up, he said. "You've come to the perfect person. You need to join my new organization!"

"What is it?" Jak asked.

"DEFA!" Daxter proclaimed proudly.

"DEFA?" Jak asked. "What does that stand for?"

"Dark-Eco-Freaks-Anonymous." Daxter proclaimed.

"Really?" Jak asked. "How many members do you have?"

"Well… if you join… one." Daxter answered. Jak couldn't help laughing. "Phase One begins in 0800 hours! I'm going to need back-up for this case, Nurse!" Daxter roared at nobody while Jak stared at him.

* * *

(Phase I)

The 'back-up' that Daxter insisted that he needed turned out to be none other than Samos! Daxter had Jak sit in front of a large table while Samos went off to get whatever Daxter asked him to get, while Daxter got Jak into a one-sided staring contest.

Finally, Samos returned, carrying a large bucket made of Precursor metal. Samos set the container on the table in front of Jak who stared at it, confused. Daxter whispered some hasty instructions to Samos that Jak couldn't hear, even with his hearing. Finally, Samos uncovered the container and Jak gasped.

It was Dark Eco. Glorious, magnificent, heavenly Dark Eco! Jak yearned for the Dark Eco; he LUSTED for it, as Daxter had made him use all of his Dark Eco before they started. Jak reached out to touch the beautiful substance…

The moment was never meant to be, for Jak was harshly pulled out of his Eco spell by a painful whack to his skull. "Crap!" Jak swore as he felt his head to see if his skull had fractured. He looked up at Samos, who still had his staff slightly raised from hitting Jak across the head with it. "What the hell did you do that for?" Jak demanded.

"Negative reinforcement." Daxter explained. "It's simple, you reach for that Eco, and you get hit. Soon, you'll learn to avoid the Eco so you don't get hit. Soon, you'll not be addicted to it anymore."

"Man, that hurts…" Jak said, still rubbing his head. "Okay, I'll never reach for the stupid Eco again!"

At that very moment, Keira chose to walk into the room. "Hey, what are you guys… OH MY GOD!" Keira shrieked as Samos gave Jak went another blow, this time to the face, for reaching toward the Dark Eco. Keira ran over to Jak, who had a bloody nose now. "What are you doing to Jak?" Jak didn't answer as he was disoriented from his last blow.

"Jak's addicted to Dark Eco." Daxter explained. "We're just helping him."

"Oh, and I'm sure having a concussion will help him loads!" Keira said angrily.

Several things happened in very quick succession. Jak, hoping that everyone was distracted, reached for the Dark Eco. Daxter noticed Jak's movement, and noticed Samos' staff swinging though the air. Keira was in the way and Daxter yelled. "DUCK!" Keira ducked just in time as the staff sailed over her head and connected with its real target… Jak's face.

Jak's head fell forward onto the table. "It's working!" He proclaimed. "I'm losing my desire for Dark Eco! I don't want Dark Eco anymore! I'm losing…" Jak saw the blackness gather at the corners of his eyes. "I'm losing consciousness!" Jak passed out.

Everyone stared at one another. "Uh… time for 'Plan B.'" Daxter said.

* * *

(A/N: (tear) There's nothing quite like hitting your main character in the head repeatedly with a large stick. These are the moments that make life worth living.)

* * *

(Phase II)

While Jak was passed out, the group discussed what they should do next. Finally, Daxter suggested the 'Cold Turkey' plan.

After Daxter brought this up, Keira ran out of the kitchen with a frozen turkey in her hands. "I don't get it. How is a frozen turkey going to help Jak?"

Daxter laughed sadly at Keira's lapse into stupidity. "No. 'Cold Turkey' means that we give him on last taste, then we make sure he never gets any again!"

"Oh… I guess that will work…" Keira said doubtfully. "But, what if Jak becomes… violent?"

"Violent?" Samos squeaked like a little girl. "No! I'm much too old to die!" Samos ran out of the house, screaming like a girl, leaving Daxter and Keira stunned.

"Okay…" Daxter sighed.

"Um… maybe I should go too." Keira said, walking towards the door. "I'm much too young and pretty to die. If you need help, contact me on the talk-box." She ran out, leaving Daxter alone.

"Okay, well, I'm alone with a soon-to-be-potentially-violent Jak!" Daxter shivered. "But I'm not scared. I'm not scared of Jak getting angry, turning into Dark Jak, and eating me alive!"

"Dax?"

"AUGHHHHH!" Daxter screamed like a little girl for about ten seconds before he realized that it was Jak who had spoken.

"Uh, Dax?" Jak tried again. "What happened?"

"Uh, you were knocked out. But, now we are moving on to 'Plan B!'" Daxter said.

"And what is 'Plan B'?"

"Cold Turkey." Daxter responded.

"Cold Turkey?" Jak asked. "Do you think I can do that?"

"Sure you can!" Daxter said confidently. "I believe in you!"

Jak looked around the room. "Where's Keira and Samos?"

"Uh… they don't believe in you." Daxter said, holding out a bucket of Dark Eco. "Here, grab some Eco. But, remember, this is your last time ever." Jak dug into the Dark Eco.

* * *

(Half an hour later)

Jak had finished swimming in the Dark Eco and was now tied tightly to a chair in the middle of the room.

"Okay." Jak said confidently. "I can get though this! How long since my last Dark Eco exposure?"

"Twenty minutes." Daxter answered, looking at his watch.

"Okay, all I've got to do is keep a level head, and I'll beat this!" Jak sat in silence while Daxter watched his watch. Finally, Jak spoke again. "Now give me some damn Dark Eco or I'll tear your lungs out!"

"Twenty-one minutes." Daxter said, still watching the watch.

* * *

(Ten minutes later)

It was now that Jak was getting desperate. "Come on, Dax! I feel all light-headed and nauseas! Please, just a little sample!"

"No!" Daxter answered strongly.

"Please, I'm begging you!" Jak pleaded, tears welling up… the big baby. "I'd kiss Erol just to know where my Dark Eco is!"

"Ew… I don't want you to kiss Erol!" Daxter's face screwed up in disgust at the thought of Jak kissing his number two enemy. "I will, however, tell you where your precious Dark Eco is…"

"Where!" Jak roared. "Tell me!"

"I donated it to the 'Baron Eco Fund." Daxter said.

"MY ECO!" Jak roared animalisticly. It was now official, Jak had lost it. Jak started screaming, "REDRUM! REDRUM!" As he tore though his bindings.

* * *

(A/N: 'Redrum' comes from 'The Shining.' Spelled backwards, its 'murder')

* * *

Daxter was now as freaked as it was possible to be. He ran to the bathroom, but held the door open so he could try to calm Jak down. "No, Jak! Stay in the chair like a good malicious, freaky person! OH MY GOD, JAK! Put that axe DOWN!"

* * *

(Where ever Keira, Samos, and Torn were at that moment)

Samos, Keira, and Torn sat in the Underground Hideout. Keira was the first to speak. "I hope Daxter makes it out alright."

Everyone looked at Keira in surprise. "What?"

Keira thought about what she just said. "I change my mind. I hope Jak gets out alright, and Daxter… I don't care."

Torn sighed with relief. "Thank God!"

* * *

(Back with Daxter)

Daxter had locked himself in the bathroom. Jak was taking the axe to the door, screaming, "REDRUM! REDRUM!" With every stroke.

A hole began to appear in the door as the axe whacked though. "Jak! Get a grip!" Daxter yelled.

The hole was now big enough for Jak to look though. Jak's mad, blue eye appeared in the hole. "Here's Jakkie!" Jak yelled, glaring at Daxter though the hole.

"AUGHH! Get away from me!" Daxter yelled, retreating to the next safe place before Jak broke down the door. I'll give you clues. It's usually white, it is found in most bathrooms, and it is filled with water all the time. Yep, it was the toilet or the 'loo' as you British folks call it.

_Great._ Daxter thought._ I'm in a toilet, I'm wet, and there is a mad man taking an axe to the door._ Daxter paused as a final crash sounded that signaled that Jak was in the bathroom. _Great._ Daxter repeated in his mind. Apparently, Jak was too enraged to figure out that he could just lift the toilet seat to get at Daxter. Instead, he began performing some sort of war dance on the lid, shouting. "REDRUM! REDRUM!"

"The Talk-Box!" Daxter exclaimed as he pulled out a waterlogged Talk-Box from out of… somewhere. He punched in Keira's number and waited impatiently.

* * *

(Where Keira is)

"Ring, ring!" The Talk-Box screamed.

"Shut up!" Keira said, because she was asleep.

"Ring, ring!" The Talk-Box insisted.

"Okay, if you insist." Keira groaned, picking up the Talk-Box and activating it. "Hello?"

"Keira?" Daxter's voice sounded panicked. "Oh thank God! You've got to help me!"

"What's going on?" Keira asked. She could hear someone shouting in the background…

"REDRUM! REDRUM!" It took Keira a second to figure out it was Jak.

"Oh God, Jak's gone ballistic! He broke though the bonds and I locked myself in the bathroom, and Jak began taking an axe to the door, and he broke though, and now I'm stuck in the toilet with Jak jumping up and down on the lid screaming bloody murder!" Surprisingly, Daxter said this all in one breath.

Samos walked into the room. "Keira? What's going on?"

"Daxter's in trouble, Daddy." Keira answered calmly.

"So, what's wrong with him?" Samos asked.

"Daddy wants to know what's wrong with you." Keira repeated to Daxter.

"What's wrong with me? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! I'M SOAKED IN TOILET WATER, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!" Daxter yelled at the top of his voice.

Samos nodded gravely. "Hang up." He said. Keira obeyed him.

* * *

(Back with Daxter)

The line went dead. Daxter got pissed. "Keira, I swear if I make it out of here alive, I'm going to kill you!"

Suddenly, there was a roar outside the toilet. Apparently, 'someone' couldn't stand death threats against his girl. The roar kind of sounded like, "KREEEEEEE-yah!"

"Uh Jak?" Daxter asked though the porcelain. "Is it too late to say, 'I'm sorry'?" Another roar. "I guess it is." Daxter was suddenly blinded by light as the toilet lid was lifted up. Daxter found himself looking into a pair of rage-filled blue eyes. "AUGHHHHHH!"

* * *

(Two hours later.)

Keira was waiting outside the house where Daxter and Jak were. There wasn't as much movement as there was a while ago. Suddenly, the door opened and Daxter walked out triumphantly. "Daxter? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, no thanks to you!" Daxter spat. "Luckily, I found a cure for Dark Eco addiction. It was a good thing too, cause Jak was about to eat me alive. He got pretty close." Daxter pointed at the patches of fur missing and his arm looked slightly 'chewed up.'

"Oh my!" Keira gasped. "What is this 'cure' that you found?"

"See for yourself." Daxter said, pointing into the house.

Keira walked up to the door and looked in, she gasped. "Oh my God!"

'Oh my God' indeed. Jak was lying unconscious in the middle of the living room, his entire face covered with… chocolate.

Yes indeed, chocolate, the granddaddy of all things sweet and delicious. This was the great 'cure' for Dark Eco addiction.

Of coarse, when Jak woke up, he discovered that he was addicted to chocolate and was immediately enrolled in Daxter's CAA (Chocolate Addicts Anonymous) group.

But… that's a WHOLE other story…

* * *

**LES: Yippee, it's done! This one took forever! Chocolate is the cure for everything, unless you come to be addicted to it. Poor Jak, he has to be addicted to something. I want to, once again, remind you** **that I in no way support drugs. They make you look stupid and they are bad for you! Okay, hope you found this funny.**


	4. Why You Shouldn't Change Daxter

**Why You Shouldn't Change Daxter**

**By: Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: PG-13 for language, cruel and sexual humor, mild one-sided Yaoi, and mild JakxKeira, TornxAshelin, and DaxterxTess. **

**Summery: The girls are sick and tired of Daxter's constant flirting. They decide to put an end to it once and for all. But maybe they were better off with Daxter's flirting. Post Jak II**

**Disclaimer: I own nadda except for myself.**

**LES: Note: I make fun of blondes, Erol, Daxter, and other stuffin this fic. Don't take it seriously. It's all in fun.

* * *

**

Don't you get sick of those stories that begin like: 'It was a beautiful, sunny day in Haven City'? Well, if you do, rest in the fact that this story begins on a dark, rainy day in Haven City.

And because it was raining our heroes and heroines were forced to take refuge inside. Surprisingly, they all chose the Naughty Ottsel as a place to stay.

* * *

**Jak: It was the booze.**

**Daxter: THE BOOZE!**

**LES: (sigh)

* * *

**

Now, just as those two numbskulls pointed out, they were there for the free alcohol that Daxter was giving out because he is too stupid to figure out that he has to make a profit.

Daxter was passing out the drinks; Jak was sitting in a corner, mildly flirting with Keira. Torn and Ashelin sat by themselves in another corner. I won't mention what they were doing. Sig, Samos, and Erol (who is actually dead) were talking amongst themselves.

"I just don't see why evil people have to come back to life." Sig said to himself.

"What are you talking about?" Erol, who was dead, demanded. "No one can come back to life!"

Sig and Samos rolled their eyes.

Tess, being a multi-tasker, was working the bar, petting Daxter, and holding her own in the scattered conversation. Quite a lot of tasks for a blonde to complete, but she managed it all the same.

Suddenly, Daxter jumped out of Tess' grip. "Hang on, Tess baby. I've got some prowling to do." Daxter walked away, leaving Tess looking very upset.

Daxter had been watching Jak and Keira for the last ten minutes. At first, the flirting was mild, but it escaladed to a point where it must be stopped lest the author become entangled in mush. And no one, except Jak, Keira, and the author wanted THAT to happen!

Jak and Keira were about to kiss when, yes… Daxter interrupted them. He jumped up on the table. "Hey, Keira!" Jak and Keira froze, blinking, Keira in confusion, and Jak in anger. Jak glared at his friend and Keira looked put out. "Why the heck do you want a relationship with JAK? He's not very well endowed, you know."

Sparks of Dark Eco shot from Jak's eyes and it seemed like Daxter had just signed his own death warrant. Keira was more than slightly surprised, half of her angry at Daxter for saying such a thing about his friend, and the other half wondering if he was telling the truth… "Daxter…" Jak growled, rage boiling within him.

"Yeah, I'm the much better choice." Daxter said. "I may be short in some areas, but I'm big where it counts!" Jak instantly lost his look of rage as a sickly green look took over, Keira's face turned green also.

Let's just say… it wasn't a pretty sight.

* * *

"Something has to be done about that rat!" Keira said after she recovered from her sickness. "That's the third time he's interrupted Jak and I!"

"I agree." Ashelin said. "If he isn't silenced soon, he may turn on me."

"Yeah, Torn wouldn't be too happy about that." Keira said grinning slightly.

Tess was crying. "He's constantly flirting with other women!" She sobbed. "I just wish he'd see how much I love him!"

The other two women stared at Tess, wondering how in the world any woman could fall in love with that playboy rat. Oh well, love is blind, I guess.

"Well, no matter what… something must be done." Keira said. "I can't stand it anymore! I have to know what Jak tastes like!"

"Don't we all?"Ashelin asked so quietly that Keira couldn't hear her."Okay…" She sighed. "I've got a plan. The new techie, a girl named Ashley…" (A/N: Me!) "Might be able to develop something. She's intelligent, beautiful, popular, funny, poliet, and notto mention sexy…"

* * *

(**Ashelin: Stop that!**

**LES: Okay, fine.)

* * *

**

Ashelin paused, looking slightly embarrassed that she had rattled off a whole list of complements to satisfy that author's ego. "Well, anyway, she should be able to build something for us."

* * *

"So we need you to build some sort of machine that will stop Daxter from flirting with every woman he meets." Ashelin explained to the new techie, Ashley.

Ashley paced back and forth, thinking. "I'm sure I can come up with something." She said. "Give me a few days…"

"Of course." Ashelin said.

"Five hundred dollar raise." Ashley continued.

"Done." Ashelin said, for she desperately wanted to be rid of Daxter's flirting.

"And…" Ashley paused. "One kiss… from Jak."

"WHAT?" Keira demanded, for she was very protective of Jak. Besides, she wanted to know what he tastes like, not let some other woman find out.

"Just one kiss." Ashley said.

"Done." Ashelin said. Keira glared at Ashelin. Ashelin wasn't worried about Keira, she was more worried about how Jak would react when he finds out they had sold his lips.

* * *

"It's done!" Ashley proclaimed, throwing her hands up like a mad scientist. Lightning flashed and she cackled like a lunatic.

"Uh… so… how does it work?" Tess asked.

Ashley's hands fell back down to her sides. "Fine. Spoil all my fun, why don't you!" She whined like a little three year old. She picked up a device that looked sort of like a gun. "Okay, 'Anti-Flirty Ray for Dummies.'" Ashley said. "All you have to do is point the shooty thing at the target and pull the trigger." She pointed to the place where the trigger should be. However, instead of one trigger, the gun had two.

"What does the other trigger do?" Ashelin asked.

"Uh… nothing that would be of use to you." Ashley said. "Don't screw around with it."

Keira blinked. "Uh… okay."

"I'm going with you so I can receive my kissy." Ashley said. Keira growled.

* * *

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" Jak roared. It had been several days since the whole 'bar incident', but Jak was still pissed off at Daxter for saying that he wasn't well endowed. "I mean, how do you know how well endowed I am?" Jak demanded.

"Let's not drag up things that I did to you back in Sandover as a prank." Daxter said mysteriously.

Jak blinked, then roared. "What the hell did you do?" He demanded.

Suddenly, Ashelin, Tess, Keira, and a girl that neither Jak nor Daxter knew ran up. All of them wore smug looks on their faces. Jak had a sneaky suspicion that the females were now ganging up on him, Daxter seemed to be thinking along those lines also. "Wow! A whole army of Daxter fan-girls!" Daxter exclaimed.

Suddenly, Ashelin pulled out what appeared to be some sort of weapon and Jak's soldier instincts kicked into overdrive. He jumped out of the way right as the ray shot passed his head. "Damnit!" Ashelin swore.

"Damnit?" Keira asked. "You almost shot Jak, you bitch!"

Needless to say, Jak was highly confused by this. Daxter jumped off Jak's shoulder and approached the ladies. "Now ladies, I know you all want me, but you don't have to kill Jak. He's hardly competition."

"Jeez, I can't see why you girls are after him now." The unknown woman remarked. Ashelin aimed the weapon again, and this time at Daxter.

"What the…" Daxter gasped as Ashelin squeezed the trigger… the second trigger.

"Not that one!" The unknown woman screamed, but it was too late. The beam hit Daxter, sending him flying into Jak, who fell over on his backside, the rat on his chest.

"Got him!" Keira screamed, pumping her fist into the air in happiness.

"Oh crap." The unknown woman said.

"What is it, Ashley?" Tess asked.

"You'll see." Ashley said, shaking her head.

"What the hell is going on here?" Jak demanded from the ground.

"I'd get away from there if I were you." Ashley remarked.

"Why…" Jak began. Suddenly, Daxter seemed to wake up. He looked up at Daxter and Jak looked down at his friend. Daxter looked strange, he was wearing a strange smile, and his eyes were glowing. If fact, it was the way Daxter looked when he looked at women… "Oh crap." Jak said.

Daxter continued to stare at Jak. "Did you ever realize how sexy you are, Jak?" Daxter asked.

All the girls, and Jak's, mouths hung open. "What the…" Ashelin asked.

"How the hell did that happen?" Keira asked.

"You pulled the wrong trigger." Ashley explained. "He's gay now."

"Daxxie? Gay?" Tess began to cry.

"No way!" Jak complained, getting up and trying to pry the love-struck Ottsel off his chest. "No (beep)-in' way!"

"I love you!" Daxter cried out.

Jak was in complete desperation. "No! Dax! Get a grip!"

"Nothing would make me happier than if you made love to me… right now!" Daxter cried. Everyone's mouths dropped almost to the ground.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jak cried, using a newfound strength to rip the Ottsel off and take off running down the side of the Port.

"Jakkie! Come back!" Daxter yelled, giving chase.

Everyone else was left in shock. "Oh my God…" Ashelin and Keira said together.

"Daxxie-Poo…" Tess cried.

Ashelin looked down at the 'Anti-Flirty Ray' she was holding. "What a gip." She said.

"I know. I didn't even get my kiss." Ashley said.

* * *

**FIN**

**LES: Oh my God. I totally got this idea walking back from getting ice cream. I just had to write it down. What did you think?**


	5. Daxter's Nightmare

**Daxter's Nightmare**

**By Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: PG-13 for language, romance stuff (Jakx? And slight DaxterxTess)**

**Summery: Daxter's worst nightmare comes true? It's up to you to find out.**

**Disclaimer: I would love to say that I DO own Jak and Daxter, but then I would be swimming in all sorts of lawsuits. And I wouldn't want that. So I don't own anything!

* * *

**

(Late night)

A lone figure prowled the dirty streets of the slums on a warm, summer night. The figure, a male, obviously did not want to be seen, as he stayed in the shadows.

Suddenly, the figure moved into the light of a lone Eco-lamp and revealed his features. It turned out to be none other than Jak! It was kind of hard to confuse him with anyone else in Haven City, seeing he was the only person in the city that sported bi-colored hair. His green-root-blonde-end mixture was illuminated in the light for a second, leaving no doubt in the man's identity.

Jak quickly and quietly moved though the Slums until he reached his destination, a small, unassuming house in the Water Slums. Jak walked up to the door, looked around sharply for any people who might be within range to see him there. Once satisfied that no one could see his presence there, Jak quietly knocked on the door.

The door opened almost immediately. A few whispered words were exchanged. Then, suddenly, a pair of hands, belonging to an unknown female, reached out of the door and grabbed Jak by the shirt and began to pull him into the house. And, instead of resisting, Jak only smiled and allowed himself to be pulled into the house. Once Jak was inside, the door shut behind him and locked.

A single light was on in the house, shining though the living-room window. Jak could be seen to walk up to the curtains and close them with a swift movement. The single light illuminated the figures of Jak and his mystery woman. Without wasting another second, the woman leapt at Jak and they began to passionately make-out with each other.

Jak stayed with his mystery woman all night. Only when the sun had really risen did he emerge from the house, a grin on his face that suggested that things went a bit further than kissing with his mystery woman.

However, as he walked away from the house, a frown marred his face. He had been seeing his woman for a while now, and it seemed to make his conscious do something it hadn't done in a long time, actually give him a guilt trip.

He knew that he would have to tell the truth on the first 'date' they had together, but he wasn't ready to hurt a bunch of people. So he continued to keep it inside where it was tearing him apart.

He walked aimlessly for a while before deciding that that he was going to tell the truth. People had to know… he had to know. (A/N: No Yaoi, people.) With that thought in mind, he put on a determined face and began to make his way to the bar formally known as the Hip Hog, now known as the Naughty Ottsel.

* * *

(Naughty Ottsel)

The Naughty Ottsel bar, the newest, loudest, wettest, jumpingest, drunkenest bar in Haven City. Formally owned by the fattest man in the world, Krew, now owned by most annoying little rat in the world, Daxter.

Daxter was, of course, busy getting drunk with his own beer, and wondering where his girlfriend was, who didn't seem to be in the bar. Daxter walked around the bar. "Tess? Tessie-poo, where are you? Hey that rhymed!"

"Would you just shut up about Tess not being here?" Sig, the club bouncer and top Wastelander, asked. "She can't be in here every damn day. She's got a life outside of you, ya know."

"No, she hasn't." Daxter said stubbornly. "She LOVES me!" Daxter looked around the bar again, then noticed that some one else was not there. "Hey, where's Jak?"

"Remember how I said some people have lives outside of you?" Sig asked, Daxter nodded. "Jak is defiantly one of them."

"Yeah, I see what you mean." Daxter said. "He's been acting really funny lately. He's been going out late at night and saying: 'I've got things to take care of.' HA! As if! He hasn't had to 'take care' of anything since Kor was killed!" Daxter paused. "If you ask me, he and Keira are fooling around. Did you see that they tried to kiss each other?"

"No." Sig said.

"Oh, you weren't there. It was right before you showed up to my big party." Daxter said. "Well, we all have known that they were head-over-heels in love with each other for ages. But, they've never started a REAL relationship. Guess now they are making up for lost time…"

At that moment, Jak walked into the bar. Sig and Daxter looked over at Jak, who looked slightly sick. "Hey, man, you alright?" Sig asked.

"Yeah, you don't look so good." Daxter observed.

"What? Oh… no… I'm fine." Jak said, sitting in a booth and trying to forget why he went to the Naughty Ottsel at all.

Daxter whispered to Sig. "Jak and Keira probably had a fight. Those two can really scream at each other when they're mad enough."

"Fighting is part of a relationship." Sig whispered back. "And fighting is a part of Jak's life. He couldn't live without it."

Daxter walked over to his buddy. "Hey, what's up?" Daxter asked. "You look sick or something. Did you and Keira have a Lover's Spat?"

Jak shook his head sadly. _Well… it's now or never…_ "Dax… I sort of have a confession to make…"

"Does it have to do with your love life?" Daxter asked. Jak nodded. "Does it involve Keira?" Jak shook his head. Daxter gasped. "Oh my God! You're gay! I knew it!"

Jak blinked, and then frowned. "No." He said. _But you are gonna wish I were gay._ Jak thought to himself.

Daxter scratched his head. "Not gay, huh? What could it be then?"

Suddenly, the bar door opened, and Tess walked in. Sig looked up. "Hey, Tess." He said.

"Hey, baby." Daxter winked at her.

"Jak?" Tess asked, slightly surprised.

"Tess." Jak said simply.

"Daxter!" Daxter said eagerly to get in on the name-calling. (A/N: Like Donkey did in 'Shrek 2'.)

"Dax… I need to tell you something…" Jak said as he walked casually over to where Tess stood. He stood next to her and put his arm around her, holding her closer to him. There was silence while Jak waited for Daxter to get what he was showing him.

Tess blinked up at Jak. "You're telling him?"

Jak looked at Daxter's blank face. "Well… trying to…"

Tess mouthed to Jak: _Allow me._ Quite suddenly, she pulled Jak closer to herself and pressed her lips to his; he made absolutely no objection.

Daxter's eyes widened in horror and Sig blinked. "Well… didn't expect that…" He said.

When Jak and Tess finally pulled apart, both of them looked at Daxter to see his reaction to this news. It came about a minute later. "But… Jak… you… Tess… what… why… how…"

Tess looked slightly uncomfortable. "I'm… sorry, Daxxie. But… the thing is… you are an Ottsel, and I'm an elf. I… sort of need to stay within my species." She put a hand on Jak's chest. "And… Jak here… he's really not so bad once you get to know him. Not to mention he's absolutely _heavenly_ in bed…"

"In… bed…?" Daxter seemed to be going into shock. "But… what about you and Keira?" Daxter asked Jak.

"We had a huge fight and we decided to just stay friends. She moved on… and I moved on." Jak said.

"Moved on to your best friend's girlfriend, cherry." Sig said.

"Daxxie… you really didn't think it was going to work between us?" Tess asked. "I mean… you can't even… you know… You're cute… but I need a man."

"God, I love it when you talk that way." Jak said, his eyes glazing over.

"And who is my manly-man?" Tess asked teasingly.

"Me." Jak said, playing along with their mindless love game.

"That's right. My Jakkie." Tess said.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Daxter screamed as he woke up. He took a few seconds of just breathing before realizing that he was still in his bed. He wiped at the cold sweat that had been running down his fur. He glanced over at Jak, who was thankfully still asleep on his own bed… all alone. "Thank God… it was just a dream!" Daxter breathed a sigh of relief and settled back into bed to sleep.

* * *

**LES: Or was it?**

**Daxter: No! You will not steal my Tessie-poo away from me!**

**LES: Watch me!**


	6. The Horrors of Parenthood

**The Horrors of Parenthood**

**By Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: PG-13 for language and romance stuff. (DaxterxTess, JakxKeira, and TornxAshelin)**

**Summery: Post Jak 3. Both Jak and Daxter get a taste, or in one case, a whole feast, of parenthood. Will they survive?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, so no lawsuits.**

**LES: In honor of my own dislike of children. I tell you what, I am NEVER gonna have kids. Sort of inspired by an old comic book.

* * *

**

Ah… a lovely spring day in Haven City. No, seriously. The skies were actually clear, the birds were singing, happily, and romance was so thick in the air you could cut it with a knife. Only one person seemed to be unaffected by the spring fever.

Now, I'm guessing that you think that it's Jak who wasn't happy. But that wouldn't be true at all. He had no missions since Errol got killed; he had his girlfriend, Keira. (He saw his mistake in kissing Ashelin and went back to be with Keira.) And he just about had one of the worst cases of spring fever ever seen.

No, it was actually Daxter who wasn't happy. He had just learned something horrible, something that threatened his very happiness on this fine, spring day. And, like most people who are having a bad day, Daxter was spending it getting drunk at the Naughty Ottsel, which he owned.

Most of his friends were there too, because Daxter gave small discounts to his friends. Jak and Keira were in a corner, making out in front of everyone; while Samos just tried to ignore the whole situation. Sig was playing the bouncer, Torn and Ashelin were taking a drunken break from ruling/commanding, and Tess seemed nowhere in sight.

After what seemed an age, Jak detached himself from Keira and stared at his friend. "Hey, Dax." He called across the bar. "What's up? You don't look so good."

"Shut the hell up and leave me alone." Was Daxter's only reply.

"Hey, what was that for?" Jak asked. "Hey, whatever it is, I can help. Remember, I'm… er… what was the exact wording?"

"You are the Greatest of Heroes." Keira supplied helpful.

"Exactly. See, if I can't help you… who can?"

Daxter sighed. "Okay. You know how I'm kind of a Precursor?"

"Yeah?" Jak urged.

"And you know how Tess is kind of a Precursor now?"

"Yeah?"

"Well… let's just say that there are going to be a bunch of little Precursors running around in a few months." Daxter finished lamely.

It took only a few seconds for Keira to figure out what Daxter meant. "Daxter… do you mean… Tess is pregnant?"

If there had ever been a more punctuated silence in the history of the world… no, there had never been a more punctuated silence in the history of the world. Jak's eyes widened until it couldn't be thought that they could widen anymore. Samos, who was trying to drink the whole 'Jak and Keira' relationship away, suddenly spat out a mouthful of whatever drink he was having. Sig fell off of the bar stool that he had been sitting at. Torn and Ashelin actually stopped making out. Finally, after what seemed an age, Daxter nodded.

The reaction was immediate. Keira screamed. "Oh my God! I can't believe it! Tess is going to have a baby! Oh my God! Oh my God!" The repeated 'Oh my God's lasted for quite awhile.

Jak's mouth was hanging open. It appeared that he had another muteness attack, as he didn't say anything. His brain simply couldn't handle the information and had overloaded.

"Well…" Torn said. "I guess I can't say Daxter doesn't have any manhood anymore."

"Oh my God!" Ashelin said. "The spawn of Daxter and Tess! They are gonna be out of control!"

Keira finally noticed Jak, who still hadn't come out of shock. "Jak, are you alright?" She asked. Jak didn't answer.

"Where's Tess?" Ashelin asked.

"Oh, around." Daxter said.

Suddenly, Tess, right on time, walked into the room. Two women immediately jumped her, quite a scary ordeal for a small Ottsel/Precursor.

"Oh my God, you're pregnant?"

"Good luck…"

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"I'll be praying for you."

"What? Daxter? You told them?" Tess asked Daxter, who nodded. Then she spotted Jak, who was on the verge of drooling on himself. "What's wrong with him?" She asked.

"Still in shock, poor cherry." Sig said.

Suddenly, Jak seemed to come too… almost. "Haha, great joke, Dax."

"It's not a joke! I'm dead FLIPPIN' serious!" Daxter yelled.

Jak didn't say anything for a second. "Oh my God. I can't believe this at all…" Jak paused, then his face brightened. "You're gonna be a DAD!"

It seemed that little statement finally brought home the fact that Daxter was going to be a dad, as he suddenly fainted.

* * *

(Several Months Later)

Jak, Keira, Samos, Sig, Torn, and Ashelin were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital… vet. Jak was busy being stared at. I mean, he's famous! The Grand Racing Champion of Haven City, the Dark One, the Light One, and the Greatest of Heroes. Those titles kind of give you some recognition.

Keira was sitting on Jak's lap, in her opinion, the coziest place in the world; and waiting for any news.

Samos was busy trying to ignore the fact that his daughter was sitting on Jak's lap.

Sig was cleaning the Peacemaker.

Torn and Ashelin were… uh… working on plans to rebuild the city… one kiss at a time.

Suddenly, the door to the maternity ward burst open and Daxter came running out. "It's a boy!" He had time to yell before running back in… or before anyone had time to congratulate him.

"A boy?" Keira asked. "I bet he's going to be just a big a flirt as Daxter was… is."

"Guess that kind of makes me an uncle." Jak said. "Not a real one, but an… emotional one."

"Look at Mr. Unemotional talking about emotion." Torn said.

"Shut up, Torn." Jak spat.

Suddenly, Daxter ran back out. "Oh my God! It's a girl!" He ran back in.

Everyone looked at each other. "Twins?"

However, they hadn't seen the last of this… not by a long shot. In fact, Jak began to lose count how many times Daxter had run in and out of the doors. Let's just say, it was a lot of times.

Finally, Daxter ran out one last time. "Boy." Was all that he said.

"Is that it?" Torn asked. "It should've been over about two hours ago."

"Jak, come with me really quick." Daxter said. Jak shrugged and got up, however, instead of leading him to the ward, he began to lead him over to the pay phones.

"What's all this about?" Jak asked.

"You know how some diaper companies will give free diapers to families that have… say… five kids. Well… let's just say, I need diapers!"

So, that's how Jak ended up on the phone, talking to a diaper company. "Yeah, you know how you sometimes give free diapers to people who have like… five kids?" Jak asked.

"Yeah." The person on the other line said. "How many kids?"

"Uh… more than five…" Jak said.

"Five! Squared! Hurry!" Daxter yelled.

"Uh…" Jak said, doing quick thinking. "About twenty-five or so. Do these need Shipping and Handling?" Once Jak was done on the phone, he turned to Daxter. "Twenty-five?"

"Uh… we've been using fertility drugs." Daxter said.

Jak slapped his hand to his forehead. "Oh, why won't you blasted Precursors have mercy on me?"

"Hey, don't you swear against the brotherhood of the Precursors!" Daxter said. "Besides, they're my kids, I should be the one asking for mercy!"

"You're right." Jak said, taking a calming breath. "I should remember… at least it's not me!" Jak walked back over to the waiting room to join Keira so they could go see the mini-Precursors.

* * *

(Few Weeks Later.)

"So, you've finally got them all counted?" Jak asked.

"Yep. Twenty-four kids. Crying, whining, vomiting, all needing an education." Daxter said with a forlorn expression. "I suddenly feel like I have a lot more responsibility all of a sudden!" Daxter suddenly paused, an evil smirk playing across his face. "Say, you doin' anything tonight?"

Jak stupidly answered the truth. "No. Keira said she has something to do… I don't know. I wasn't really listening." Suddenly, Jak realized that he just said he had nothing to do. He slapped his hand over his mouth like he had just said a disgusting swear word. He was sure that Daxter was going to give him something to do.

* * *

(That night)

As it turns out, Daxter did give him something to do. The worst type of job in the whole world. Jak had his own fair share of nasty jobs. But, compared to this, he'd rather be eaten by a Metal-Head. **Babysitting** twenty-four hyperactive baby Ottsels.

While they were only a few weeks old, they were a problem. While an elvin child of the same age needed only minimal care, it seemed that Ottsels mature a lot faster than elves. These were already like toddlers, and they got into EVERYTHING! And they cried A LOT! And they were NEVER happy!

Only with the help of his Light side reminding him that they were only children that kept him from going Dark and eating them. Besides, he wasn't sure how Daxter and Tess would handle it if he ate their offspring. But even Light couldn't help him from almost going insane.

Daxter and Tess had told him to put them into bed at seven o'clock. However, it was almost eight o'clock, and not a single one seemed to want to stay in bed. Jak was desperate, and they were crying for no reason. Jak couldn't help but think that he had brutally murdered people who didn't complain as much.

Let's just face it. Jak had never REALLY known his father. Sure, he sort of knew the guy, but he didn't really get much fatherly wisdom from him. Jak just didn't have a role model for this baby thing… even if he was only babysitting them. Basically, he didn't have a clue what the hell he was doing.

Jak was standing in the middle of a sea of Ottsels, holding a dollar bill high in the air, and crying out. "Okay, I've got a dollar for anyone who gets into bed without a fuss! Please…"

Saved by the door. The door opened and in walked Daxter and Tess. "Oh my God!" They both said at the same time. At the sight of their parents, all the Ottsels ran off and soon, the sound of snoring could be heard.

Jak seemed to have gone into shock again. "Jak? What happened?" Daxter asked.

"The Ottsels… they're everywhere… all around me…" Jak said in a shaky voice.

"Jak, just sit down." Daxter said, pushing Jak by the knees so that he fell down onto the couch. "You just need to rest a little."

"Rest? Time to sleep! Seven o'clock! Bed time!" Jak got close to breaking down into tears, something that hadn't happened in… like… ever.

"Whoa." Daxter said. "Jak REALLY wouldn't be suited for fatherhood. Glad it's not him."

* * *

(Next Morning)

"So… you feeling any better?" Daxter asked.

"I guess." Jak said. "Man, kids are monsters… no offence."

"None taken." Daxter said.

"Okay, I SWEAR that I am NEVER going to have kids! Even if it means I can never have sex again!" Jak swore.

"Again?" Daxter repeated.

Suddenly, Keira ran in, looking just about as happy as you could get. "Oh, Jak, I've been looking for you EVERYWHERE! I can't believe it! I've got the most wonderful news! Guess what?" She finished.

"What?" Jak asked. As soon as he said that, he got the most horrible sense of foreboding… like something bad was going to happen.

"I'm PREGNANT!" Keira said happily. _Thunk._ "Jak? Jak? Are you alright?"

* * *

**LES: I think it goes without saying that Jak fainted. Dedicated to the horrors that are little children. Now, to all those people who adore children and are threatening to kill me because I happen to dislike kids. I'm sure you are saying: 'You were a kid once too, you know!' Well… what I have to say to that is that I'm ecstatic not to be a kid anymore, because I was a monster too! **


	7. Tribute To SNL

**Tribute To SNL!**

**By: Light-Eco-Sage **

**Rated: PG-13 for crude humor and some 'stuff' (JakKeira, DaxterTess, TornAshelin)**

**Summery: My tribute to the genius of Saturday Night Live! (With the characters from Jak and Daxter acting out my favorite skit!) (With slight alterations.)**

**Disclaimer: I own not Jak and Daxter or Saturday Night Live!

* * *

**

First Skit!

* * *

Torn and Ashelin: The Couple that should be Divorced!

The scene opens with Jak, Keira, Daxter (elfin), and Tess sitting in a living room setting. All four friends are joking happily with each other, having a great time.

"This is a great party!" Tess said, "A toast to the hosts!" Tess raises her wine glass to Jak and Keira, who grin.

"Well, we are sort of celebrating today." Keira said. She smiles at Jak. "Second time becoming the Grand Racing Champion in Haven City!"

"Aw… we all knew you were going to win." Daxter said. "Jak's the best racer out there!"

"And all my friends are here to celebrate with me." Jak said.

"Speaking of all your friends…" Daxter began. "Didn't you invite any one else?"

"Yeah." Keira said. "They should be here in a bit."

"Who is it?" Tess asked.

"Torn and Ashelin." Keira answered.

Suddenly, Daxter gulped down a mouthful of wine and Tess looked slightly nervous. "What? What is it?" Jak asked.

"You invited Torn and Ashelin?" Tess gasped. Jak and Keira nodded. "But it's so embarrassing! They never stop arguing!"

Jak suddenly grew nervous too. "Well… I'm sure they'll do their best to curb it."

Suddenly, there was the sound of a zoomer pulling up outside… along with the sound of arguing. Then Torn and Ashelin walked into the living room. "Hey, sorry we're late." Torn said. "Miss PERFECT over here took three hours to pick which dress she wanted to wear to the party!"

"And what's so wrong about that?" Ashelin demanded.

"You picked the one you were wearing in the first place!" Torn spat back.

"You've got some nerve!" Ashelin shouted. "When you wouldn't even stop to ask for directions!"

"Are you trying to blame this on me?"

"I most certainly am!"

"Um…" Jak began nervously. "Welcome… glad you could make it."

Ashelin suddenly seemed to realize that they were inside. "Oh, hey Jak. Congratulations on the big race."

"Thank you…" Jak began politely before Torn drowned him out.

"You're congratulating him after you lost your bet?" Torn demanded angrily. "She was betting that other guy would win."

"I was not! I'm behind Jak one hundred percent!" Ashelin began. Keira cleared her throat loudly. "Oh, Keira. Here, I brought a cake…"

"Burned…" Torn said in a loud whisper.

Ashelin ignored him. "And some wine…"

"Cheap re-gift." Torn said.

"Would you just shut-up for five seconds!" Ashelin yelled.

"I will if you will!" Torn shouted back.

"Uh… I'll just pour the wine…" Daxter said. Taking the wine bottle and pouring some in everyone's glasses. Finally, everyone had a full wine glass.

Tess stood up to do the toast. "To Jak and Keira. The greatest racing duo in the city." Tess sat down as everyone drank from his or her wine glasses.

Ashelin and Torn finished before anyone else. "Actually…" Ashelin began while the rest drank their wine. "Torn and I were thinking about having children…"

Simultaneously, four different people spat a mouthful of wine all over the place. "What?" All four of the friends coughed.

"Who ever said I would even want to have kids with YOU!" Torn began. "No wonder they reacted like that! The idea would make anyone sick!"

"Not as sick as I am being around you!" Ashelin spat back.

Torn suddenly jumped up and grabbed Ashelin by the arm. "Let's take this in the kitchen!" He growled.

"Lets." Ashelin growled back. The two headed though the swinging doors that lead to the kitchen, leaving Jak, Keira, Daxter, and Tess alone in the living room.

Jak leaned over to Keira. "Remind me why we invited them?"

"Well…" Keira began. "They are our friends and…" she paused. "Everyone goes though rough spots in a relationship." True words since a year ago Jak and Keira practically hated each other. (A/N: You know… Jak 2?) Then, within a few weeks, they were dating. "Maybe it's just a phase…"

"A phase?" Daxter demanded. "They've been married for a year and it never stops!"

"I doubt it will ever stop." Tess said. "I wonder why they are still together. If I hated someone that much, I wouldn't hang out with them… much less MARRY them!"

All conversation was brought to a halt by the sound of something breaking in the kitchen. All four of them looked around at the door. "Oh, Jak, go in there and make sure they aren't destroying our dishes…" Keira said.

"Or destroying each other." Jak said as he got up from the couch and walked though the kitchen door. He was in the kitchen for about three seconds before he walked right back out, with a look of horror on his face. "They're having sex." He said to everyone in the room.

Everyone went quite. "Are you sure he's not trying to kill her?" Daxter asked.

"Impossible." Jak said, looking very disturbed. "She's on top."

Suddenly, Torn and Ashelin came back in the room. Torn was zipping up his pants while Ashelin was straightening out her dress. "Sorry about your plate, Jak." Torn said. "If Ashelin here wasn't so CLUMSY…"

"You've got a lot of nerve!" Ashelin began hotly.

* * *

**(Jak: Now THAT was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen…**

**LES: Even more disturbing than finding out that the Precursors are nothing but Ottsels?**

**Jak: Defiantly… nothing compares to this!)**


	8. Self Defense 101

Self-Defense 101

Rated: PG-13 for extreme, and I mean extreme, Jak/Dark Jak bashing and some language.

**Summery: What to do if you are being attacked by an angry Dark Jak!**

**Disclaimer: I own nadda except myself!**

The scene opens up with Ashley, AKA: Light-Eco-Sage, stepping out onto a large stage. Ashley waves at random people in the audience.

"Hey!" Ashley yelled to the pumped-up audience. "Welcome to Self-Defense 101 where I will teach people like you who to defend yourself against even the toughest of foes!"

Applause.

"Take for one: Jak Mar!" Ashley said. "This three-time savior of the world is no one to be laughed at! Most people laugh at his height… or lack there of. (He's only five feet tall!) And, notice that I am five feet, two inches! Most would laugh at this once… only once. Empowered with the ability to turn into a rampaging, berserking demon, he has caused even the toughest men to wet their pants in fear!" The audience members glance around at each other, secretly glad that they don't have to face an angry Jak, or his demon. "Well… give it up for our brave volunteer… Jak Mar!"

Jak walks out onto the stage, looking slightly confused. He spots Ashley. "You! What are you doing here!"

"I called you here, dummy." Ashley said bravely. "Now, in order to show you this can be done I will actually face Dark Jak, in all his evil glory. No holding back!"

"Uh… what's going on?" Jak asked. (He has no idea why he's been called here."

Ashley looks up at the sky. "Forgive me." She looks at Jak. "Hey, Jak! Damas is a… (long beep) and a (longer beep)!"

Now, once Jak hears the terrible insults that Ashley raised against his late father. Jak gets pissed… really pissed, pissed enough to transform into Dark Jak!

Jak roars as the transformation takes place. Within seconds, the terrifying Dark Demon is standing on the stage, glaring daggers and death threats at an unconcerned Ashley. Dark Jak roared with Demonic fury as he charged Ashley.

Suddenly, just as he reached her, Ashley lashed out with her palm, holding her hand back and slamming the bottom of her palm right into Dark Jak's nose.

Dark Jak wheeled away in surprise. His clawed hands cupping his nose as blood poured out from between his fingers. The pain caused Dark Jak to turn back to his regular self. "Ow!" Jak screamed, holding his bloody nose. "I thinth you brokth my noth!" (A/N: 'I think you broke my nose!')

"And, after you have broken his nose, you can run away!" Ashley said.

(Later)

Now Jak is sitting on the stage, looking extremely mad. His nose had not, in fact, broken, but it did bleed until he needed to use Light Healing to replenish his blood supply.

"And, now, on to the next thing!" Ashley said. "The great thing about being an author is, if you don't have a good defensive item on you, you can open up a plot hole and give yourself one! Observe!" She turned to Jak. "Hey, come and get me!"

Jak glared at her. "No way! I'm not stupid!"

"Chicken!" Ashley barked.

This was simply too much for Jak's ego. He got up with a roar. "I'm not a chicken!" He yelled as he rushed Ashley… yet again. Suddenly, before Jak even got close, Ashley pulled out a… something. It was… a taser! Ashley fired it right at Jak and it hit him. Electricity tore though him until he was forced to the ground.

"Tasers are like Peacemakers, except for one difference. Instead of just firing a single shot of highly charged electricity, the taser fires a continuous round of electricity!" Ashley explained calmly while Jak writhed on the ground. "Oops, sorry, forgot to turn it off." Ashley said, turning off the taser. Jak fell limp. "Uh…" Ashley said uncomfortably. "Is that coming out of my paycheck?"

(Later)

Jak, due to his remarkable healing skills, was up again in no time. He was being physically restrained to keep him from leaving.

"Okay, next one!" Ashley said. "Please note that, while I am doing this, this is extremely dangerous if you don't know what you're doing! Don't try this at home! Anyway, Soon, we will be moving from 'bring-Jak-down' to 'bring-Jak-down-crying-like-a-baby!'"

"I will not be humiliated this way!" Jak growled.

"Where'd you find that line? In the book 'Dumb Things Heroes Say'?" Ashley asked.

"I see what you're trying to do!" Jak pointed at Ashley. "You're trying to get me pissed, so that I'll attack you head on! But, I am smarter than you! Haha!" Jak pulled out the blaster to shoot Ashley.

But, it appeared that Ashley was quicker and smarter than Jak. She pulled out a little bottle. It was the infamous… pepper spray. Jak was just within pepper spray range and she fired, and hit right on target… Jak's eyes.

Jak screamed in pain and held his eyes. He fell to the ground and writhed as the pepper spray burned his eyes.

Ashley sighed. "Aw… the wonders of pepper spray. Able to big down even the toughest criminals, including Jak. Isn't it a beautiful thing?"

(Later)

"That's it!" Jak hissed across the stage at Ashley. It was fair to say that he was now royally pissed off. "I'm gonna get you if it's the last thing I ever do!"

"That's great! I don't have to provoke you this time!" Ashley said. "I was running out of stuff anyway! Okay, Jak, you have one last chance. Now, come and get me!"

"No way you're ready to beat the crap out of me!" Jak said. "I'm gonna wait until you're not ready!"

"You're only prolonging the inevitable." Ashley said. "Cause I'm gonna get you." Jak doesn't move and Ashley sighs. She turns to a camera. "Commercial! Cut to commercial!"

(Later)

"Okay! People!" Ashley says to the camera. "It's been quite a while now, and I am bored! Please, just attack me!" She yells at Jak.

Jak rolls his eyes and growls. "Fine!" With a brilliant light show, he turns into Dark Jak. With a wild primeval roar, Jak launches himself bodily at Ashley. But, surprise, surprise. Ashley is ready.

She lifts her knee up sharply and hits Jak's stomach, causing him to double over instantly. But the worst was yet to come. Ashley kicked him again. And I bet you guys can guess where she kicked him. That's right! Right where it hurts… for a guy.

Now Jak was in extreme pain. He changed back and fell to the ground. "No way!" He screamed painfully. "No (beep)-ing way!"

"Now, this excellent attack only works with both attacks. Note the first attack brought him down, and the next one keeps him down, allowing you to get away." Ashley said casually.

"Oh God! I can't take it anymore!"

"And, with any luck, he'll never be able to have children." Ashley said. "Check it out! Instant birth-control!"

"I'm gonna kill you! I swear to the Precursors, I will!" Jak roared from the ground.

"Haven't you learned your lesson?" Ashley asked. "Okay, that's all for this edition of Self-Defense 101 with your hostess, Ashley! See you soon!"


	9. Randomness of DOOM

**Randomness of DOOM!**

**By: Light-Eco-Sage **

**Rating: PG-13 for language, lots of crude humor, and one pants-less Jak.**

**Summery: First attempt at a random fic. Go gentle in reviews.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**LES: Okay, this fic makes random stabbings at 'The Incredibles', 'Animorphs', 'Precursors/Ottsels', 'The Matrix', and 'Harry Potter.' And all of these are poked at in fun. I actually rather like the Animorphs and Harry Potter and the Incredibles. The Matrix is okay, I guess.

* * *

**

It was a sunny day in Haven City. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the heavy rain watered the poor plant that Keira had given Jak, but Jak hadn't been watering it, so it was dying.

"Help! I'm dying!" Said the plant. However, the rain, like I mentioned, fixed that.

Anyway, it was practically inconceivable that anything could go wrong on this perfect sunny/rainy day. Well… except for one thing.

"Where the hell are my pants?" Jak, who had nothing but a shirt and boxers on, stormed into his living room. Daxter sat on the couch watching 'The Incredibles.'

"I don't know. Maybe they went spinning off into another dimension." Daxter said as he watched Syndrome torturing Mr. Incredible. "You know, I think that guy totally ripped off your old hair-style." Daxter said, referring to Syndrome's stuck-up hair.

"I don't care about that crap! Where are my pants!" Jak demanded.

Suddenly, a Precursor appeared. You know, the REAL precursor at the end of Jak 3. However, I will not give away the true identity. Coughcough_Ottsels_Cough. The fat leader Ottsel held up his staff thingy like a weapon. "Oh, you want pants?"

Jak, however, knew how trigger-happy these Precursors could be, and he knew he'd likely be turned into a Precursor, like Tess. "No thanks." Jak said.

"Okay, bye." The Ottsel then went spinning off into another dimension where it looked like a cross between a horse, a human, and a scorpion known as an Andalite. Soon it met up with a group of kids in a construction site, gave them the ability to morph, and then got eaten by a huge Yeerk-infested-Andalite-turned-space-monster.

"Man, I wish I had the power to morph." Jak said, apparently aware of what was going on in that weird dimension.

"Okay…" Daxter said, rolling his eyes. "Hey, maybe your pants are in that box." Daxter pointed to a box that had 'Jak's pants' written on the side.

"What makes you think that?" Jak asked.

"Well, it's a pretty box." Daxter said, not mentioning that it had 'Jak's pants' written on the side.

"I don't care how pretty the box looks. Help me find my pants!" Jak roared.

"No way! Helen thinks that Robert is cheating on her!" Daxter exclaimed.

"What?"

"Incredibles! Duh!" Daxter said.

"Never mind. I'll look for them myself." Jak said.

* * *

(Fifteen Hours Later)

"No way! Where the hell can they be?" Jak said. He had looked everywhere… except the stupid box.

Suddenly, Morpheus ran into the room. "The Matrix has you, Jak."

"Who the hell are you?" Jak asked.

"I am Morpheus." Morpheus said.

"Okay… what are you doing here?" Jak asked.

"In order to find what you seek, you must SEE." Morpheus said. "You are living in a dream world, Jak, and once you see that, you will find all of life's answers."

"Even where my pants are?" Jak asked.

"Maybe." Morpheus said. He pulled out a blue pill and a red pill. "If you take the blue pill, you will forget everything you saw here and return to your normal life. If you take the red pill, you will see."

"And I have to decide?" Jak asked.

"Yes."

"I hate decisions." Jak said. "Can't I just take them both?"

"I wouldn't…" Morpheus began, but it was too late. Jak had swallowed both pills. However, Jak promptly exploded. The effect of one half of your body leaving the Matrix, and the other half staying.

"Oh great." Daxter said. "Now there's blood everywhere! This is going to take hours to clean up. And I'm gonna have to arrange the funeral and everything!"

"Whose funeral?" Jak asked, who amazingly came back to life.

"Yours." Daxter answered.

"Really?" Jak asked. "…Creepy."

"Got to go." Morpheus said. "I'll be back."

"Who are you?" Jak asked as he disappeared. Jak shrugged. "Oh well." Then he noticed he didn't have on pants. "Where are my pants?"

"Maybe they are in that box." Daxter said, pointing to the box that now read 'Seriously, Jak's pants are in here.'

"Dax, I don't have time to play your stupid games." Jak said, running off. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it." Jak opened the door and was greeted by a WHOLE ARMY OF DARK MAKERS! Thousands upon thousands of them! There was no hope for our hero!

"You there!" The head Dark Makers said to Jak. "We're looking for Jak! Shortish green/blonde hair, blue eyes, blue tunic, last time seen with no pants. Have you seen him?"

Jak's blue eyes blinked, standing there with a blue tunic and no pants on, running a nervous hand though his short green/blonde hair. "Uh… no."

"DAMN! He's eluded us again!" The Dark Marker said as the army walked away.

Jak closed the door. "That was close." His thoughts then turned back to his missing pants. "WHERE ARE MY GOD-DAMN PANTS!" Jak roared so loudly that people in China heard him.

"What is that?" Chan, a Chinese man, asked his friend.

"Idiot. It is obviously a dragon." Ping, his friend, said.

"Dragons…" Chan wondered. "Dragons are holy."

"We should worship it." Ping said.

The two friends looked at each other like the other was crazy. "Nah…"

Back in Haven, Jak was in a rage. Daxter, however, was fully absorbed in 'Harry Potter andThe Sorcerer's Stone.' (A/N: Or, in England, 'The Philosopher's Stone.')

"No! Don't look under the turban, Harry! It's _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named_!" Daxter cried.

"WHERE ARE MY PANTS?" Jak roared.

"CHECK THE GOD-DAMNED BOX!" Daxter shouted right back.

This time, the box had 'God damn you, Jak, your pants are in here!' written on them.

"Okay, fine, I'll check the stupid box." Jak stormed over, opened the stupid box and… "It's empty." Jak said.

"What?" Daxter asked.

"It's empty." Jak said, showing Daxter the inside of the box. There were a couple spider webs, but Jak's pants weren't in there.

"Hmm… I was sure your pants were in there." Daxter said.

Jak suddenly felt a rush of anger over take him. He transformed into his evil side, Dark Jak! The creature growled and tore up the whole house. "Hey!" Daxter protested when Jak destroyed the TV.

"Where are my pants?" Dark Jak roared in an evil sounding, demonic voice that had scared the pee out of so many Guards over the years.

* * *

(In author's room)

LES is sitting at her laptop, typing out this random crap as she witnesses it. Jak's pants are on her bed. His pants were never in the box all along, but with her. LES turns to the audience. "You can be sure, I won't be giving Jak his pants back in person. Oh no. Well, hoped you enjoyed this random garbage."


	10. The End Of The World

**The End of the World**

**By Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: PG-13 for very strange situations, muchas everyone bashing, implied (not serious) yaoi and partial, not described in any way nudity and some mild language.**

**Summery: A series of strange things that would result in the end of the world if it ever happened in real life (or rather in Jak's world). Basically, things that Jak and cast would never say or do.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing at all.**

**LES: Does this really need explaining? Done in the form of a script.

* * *

**

LES: What if the characters actually preformed any of the actions shown below in a truthful way? The world would end. So, nothing you see here will be truthful, cause I don't want to be responsible for the world's destruction. First things, first: Jak!

Precursors: (at the end of Jak 3) We need heroes like you to help us protect the universe, Jak.

Jak: (super-fake Scottish accent) Screw da universe! (makes insulting hand gesture at Precursors before diving into the molten lava below) Wee! (dies)

LES: Okay, that would defiantly end the world. And now: Daxter!

Tess: (is cuddling Daxter) Aww! Aren't you the cutest little Ottsel ever?

Daxter: Eww! Get those boobs away from me! Oh, by the way, we all know those are fake!

Tess: But they are… mostly real! (cries and runs away)

Daxter: Oh, Tornie!

Torn: Coming Daxxie-Waxxie!

LES: (shutters violently) The day this happens is the day that the sun explodes and kills us all! Thank God! Because I do not want to live to see this! And now: Keira!

Keira: (holding a Jak voodoo doll and is stabbing it violently) Die, you evil heartless BASTARD!

Jak: (winching heavily and flinching with every stab) Stop that, Keira! It hurts!

Keira: That's the point, stupid! (stabs voodoo doll right where it really hurts)

Jak: (grabs self) Oh God… I'm dying!

LES: Heehee, voodoo-style castration. The day this happens is the day that George Bush actually pulls out of Iraq. Yep, never gonna happen. Okay… now… Sig!

Sig: Oh Poopsie Bear… I love you! Never leave me!

Poopsie Bear: …

Sig: Good! And you'd better stay with me too, PeaceMaker!

PeaceMaker: …

LES: Opps… has that already happened? Oh my God! It's Armageddon! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! Okay, before that happens… here's Samos!

Samos: (violently smashing his potted plants) Die, plants!

Jak: (stares) Samos… what are you doing?

Samos: Killing my plants

Jak: I—I can see that. But why? You love your plants.

Samos: They made fun of my log.

Jak: (mind is traveling to dirty places) Eww!

Samos: Not that log! The one on my head!

Jak: You have a log on your head? Eww!

Daxter: Ha! Now Jak's the one with the dirty mind!

LES: Uh… how in the world did I come up with this stuff? Am I high? Oh well… moving on to… hmm… Baron Praxis!

Praxis: (letting Jak walk out of prison) I'm terribly sorry for the two years of torture we put you through. It was just a big mistake! It was all Erol's fault! (cries) I'm sorry!

Jak: (glares) I'm still gonna kill you some day.

Praxis: There's no need to resort to violence! Violence is not the way! Barney said that, very wise for a purple dinosaur… thing…

Jak: What?

Praxis: Yah! A unicorn! (chases after an innocent regular horse)

LES: (stares) Now that was weird. Okay, the day that this happens is the day that Dick Cheney shoots his friend while hunting illegally.

Every American not living under a rock: That's already happened!

LES: Really? Wow! I'm a physic! Okay, moving on to… Vin!

Vin: (killing a bunch of Metal-Heads) Prepared to be Terminated! Hasta la vista, baby! (Terminator-like)

Jak: But I thought terminating Metal-Heads was my job! (cries) Oh well, if I'm not the hero, I guess I'm the bad guy… (becomes the evil bad guy intent on destroying the world)

LES: Once again, this will actually cause the world to be destroyed. And now… Erol!

Erol: (during the Class One race) I want more than just to win, Eco Freak, I want you!

Everyone: O.o

Daxter: Heehee… don't you think you should re-phrase that?

Erol: (blink) No, I said that right. I do want Jak… in 'that' way!

Jak: WTF? Why MEEEEE?

Daxter: Sucks to be you, big guy.

Praxis: And this gay pussy is my right-hand man? How in the world did that happen?

(Flashback)

Erol: Make me your right-hand man, and I'll give you a unicorn.

Praxis: Okay!

(Present)

Praxis: Oh yeah… that's how that happened. Unicorn! (chases after innocent horse again)

LES: The torture Jak received in prison: Dark Eco torture and candle-lit dinners with the local psychopath.

Jak: What? That did not happen in prison! I went to prison, yes! But I was not raped by Erol!

LES: So you say! We don't know for sure!

Jak: I wasn't!

LES: Okay, now Razor!

Razor: (not acting gay)

LES: Hee hee hee!

Muse: That was the shortest thing ever.

LES: Oh God! I almost forgot Krew!

Krew: (running on a treadmill) Man, this treadmill's the greatest thing I've ever bought! Nothing is more important than your health. This is even better than selling out the city to Metal-Heads!

Rayn: Father? What are you doing?

Krew: Working out, dear. Now go get me a protein shake.

Rayn: Yes, Father.

LES: Now… Ashelin!

Ashelin: Man, I love eating junk food. How in the world do I manage to stay so fit when I eat, like, seven Big Macs a day? Oh, I know! Naughty Dog must be too lazy to make me as fat as I really should be! I could be bigger than Krew! Ow! I broke a nail! (sticks finger in mouth)

Everyone: O.o

Ashelin: Oh, and I think Jak's a total dweeb with no manhood!

Everyone: Gasp!

Jak: (angry) Stop attacking my manhood! I am very well endowed! I will submit to a physical inspection right now! (starts to take off pants)

LES: (stops him) Whoa, big guy! This story's rated 'PG-13'!

Jak: Well, it's about to be rated 'R' for nudity!

LES: No! (takes camera off scene)

Everyone else who is still watching: Oh my God!

LES: (laughs nervously) Well, you know what they say… "There are three types of men: small, medium, and 'Oh my God'!"

Keira: Holy Yakkow! That's huge!

LES: (laughs nervously again) Well, so ends the things the Jak and Daxter characters would have to do to end the world.

Torn: (is wearing a dress)

LES: Okay, except that. But nothing else!

Dark: I love puppies and kittens and rainbows and chick-flicks!

LES: Uh… that too. But that's it!

Light: I hate everyone and everything. Screw y'all! (makes insulting hand gesture at readers)

Rayn: (to Jak) Thank you for killing my father, Jak. He was a fat-ass anyway.

Brutter: Brutter hate Lurker brothers, yes. Let them all rot in slavery. They make fun of Brutter as Lurker pup for trying to look like Big Ears by using feathers. Good likeness, no?

LES: No! Enough!

Jak: I have a secret fear of Wumpbees.

World: (blows up)

LES: I am very much dead now. And all because Jak had to say something crazy that was true!

Jak: (grins sheepishly) Sorry…

* * *

**Word Count: One thousand, one hundred, and twenty-six (1,126)

* * *

**


	11. The Chronicles of Haven

**The Chronicles of Haven: The Elf, The Ottsel, And The Hot Tub**

**By Light-Eco-Sage **

**Rated: PG-13 for sexual references, crude humor, and minor language**

**Summery: Uh… Daxter gets a hot tub and Keira gets a rather naughty idea.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Naughty Dog owns Jak and Daxter and all of their friends.**

**LES: Sorry about the title, I couldn't help but parody "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe." Rest assured, I absolutely love the Chronicles of Narnia! My mother read the books to me as a child. Long live Aslan!**

**Jak: Who's Aslan?**

**LES: Don't make me explain. (tosses Jak a Chronicles of Narnia DVD) Here, educate yourself while I write this.**

**Jak: I know you! You're just trying to get me out of the way! You're going to make me do something embarrassing, aren't you?**

**LES: Uh… define 'embarrassing'. Warning: Kind of short.

* * *

**

It was a lovely summer day in Haven City. Of course, when I say lovely, I mean hot-enough-to-melt-steel hot, at least to Haven standards. Only Jak and Daxter, who were visiting from the desert city, Spargus, seemed comfortable in the heat. Probably because they were used to much hotter temperatures in the Wasteland.

Jak was sitting in the Naughty Ottsel bar, enjoying the unseasonable heat. Torn sat across from him, and glared at the Dark Elf. "Bastard." He hissed.

"Hey, don't blame me because I'm used to this weather." Jak said.

And then Keira came into the bar, sweating heavily. She noticed Jak's apparent comfort and glared at him too.

Jak sighed. "Not you too!"

Keira sighed. "I'm sorry. It's just really hot out. And then I saw you looking totally at home…"

"Maybe if you came to live with me out in Spargus like I've asked you, you'd get used to the heat."

Keira sat down next to him and shoved Jak playfully on the shoulder.

Suddenly, a small annoying Ottsel named Daxter came into the bar in a flurry. "Jak! Jak! You've got to come see what I got!"

"Is it a way to talk less?" Jak asked.

Daxter blinked. "No."

"Then I'm not interested."

"No! You have to come!" Daxter hurried towards the backrooms. "I just got it delivered."

Jak looked at Keira in exasperation. Then he got up to follow Daxter, and Keira followed in curiosity. Daxter led them to a door and opened it. Jak and Keira looked in, and their jaws dropped.

"A hot tub?" Jak demanded. It was, indeed, a hot tub.

"Cool, huh?" Daxter asked. "I plan to put this baby to good use!"

"But… a hot tub?" Keira asked. "How did you manage to afford one when you've been in Spargus?"

"I merely… excised the power of my position!" Daxter defended himself.

Jak sighed. "You told whoever owned this that I was your friend."

"So! It's mine, fair and square!" Daxter said.

"But… why a hot tub?" Keira asked.

"Because hot tubs are the new thing!" Daxter said. "It's almost the new black!"

"So, you just went out and got us a hot tub?" Jak asked.

"Us? What us?" Daxter asked. "This hot tub is for me and anyone I happen to take in with me. Uh… Jak, you're definitely out. But… Keira… if you want to join me…"

"Uh… I think I'll pass." The she-elf said.

* * *

"You know, Daxter has done a lot of dumb things before." Jak said casually later on in Keira's house, where he stayed while he was in Haven. "But this is by far the dumbest. A hot tub in the summer?"

"I think you're just upset that he won't let you in it." Keira said casually from her room. The door was closed, so Jak couldn't see her from the living room.

The elf scoffed. "I am not upset! What would I want with a hot tub anyway?"

"I don't know… it might be kind of nice." Keira said. And then there was a pause in the conversation. "Hey, Jak?"

"What?"

"Let's just go. Let's use the hot tub anyway."

"Why?" Jak asked.

"Oh, I don't know… revenge for the fact that he's interrupted every single public display of affection that we've tried to have in the last four years."

"That's no reason." Jak said. "Who cares that we can't kiss when Daxter's around. We can kiss and do anything we want when he's not around."

"Just think of it as… a practical joke." Keira said. She walked into the living room with a robe on. Jak assumed that she was wearing a swimming suit under it.

"How is that a practical joke?" Jak asked.

"Come on, Jak!" Keira said.

"No, and that's final!" Jak said with a tone of finality.

Keira suddenly smiled slyly. "What if I told you I'm not wearing anything under this robe?"

A pause.

"Bring on that damn hot tub!"

* * *

Later, Daxter was bragging to Tess about his new hot tub and telling her how he got it 'just for her'. "Because my girl deserves the very best in hot tub technology!"

"Oh, Daxter, you're amazing!" Tess sighed. She pressed herself up against Daxter, an easier thing to do now that she was an Ottsel.

Daxter stopped before the door. "Prepare to be dazzled!" Suddenly, he stopped and seemed to listen. And then he pressed his Ottsel ears against the door. He could hear somebody inside the room in the hot tub. "What in the world?" Daxter asked silently.

He opened the door. Everything was dark, but he could now hear two people in the tub. He turned on the light and immediately wished that he hadn't. Jak and Keira were in the hot tub, making out wildly. And, judging by the way they were both gasping for breath as though exhausted making out wasn't the only thing they were doing with each other. Tess gasped at the sight.

Daxter's jaw dropped. "Jak!" He yelled.

The two elves stopped what they were doing and looked around at Daxter. Neither seemed to be even slightly embarrassed that they were caught having sex in Daxter's hot tub. "What?" Jak demanded, still gasping for breath. "We're kind of busy here!"

"Get out! Get out and get a effing ROOM like normal people!" Daxter screamed.

Jak grabbed a towel and used it to shield Keira's naked body from view. Once Keira had a towel wrapped around herself, Jak wrapped the towel around his waist. They went out of the room, laughing, and making a silent agreement to finish what they started back in Keira's room.

Daxter was still ranting angrily as the elves left. "I can't believe you'd use MY hot tub for your pleasure, Jak! You've turned my hot tub into an effing GENE POOL!"

* * *

**LES: I think the only reason I wrote this was to give Jak and Keira an excuse to do naughty things in a hot tub and to have Daxter say his line about Jak turning the hot tub into a gene pool. The joke just seemed so natural!**

**Daxter: Hey, LES, guess what? Jak's finally going to tell you how he really feels about you!**

**LES: (points at Jak) You love me! I knew it!**

**Jak: I hate you. Doing it in a hot tub and letting Daxter catch me? I hate you!**


	12. Jak vs Final Fantasy

**Jak ****vs****. Final Fantasy**

**By Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: Teen for language, violence****, and**** romance**** (Nameless Warrior Of Light x Princess Sarah, Firion x Princess Hilda, Cloud x Tifa, Tidus x Yuna, Vaan x Ashe, Vaan x Penelo, Balthier x Fran, Jak x MorphGun?), and a very, very strange villain.**

**Summery: Humorous One-shot. Portals open up all over the universe, and Jak is suddenly forced to confront Final Fantasy heroes and their villains. Chaos.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Final Fantasy ****franchise;**** they were created by the great SquareEnix. I don't own Jak and Daxter either, they belong to Naughty Dog.**

**LES: I love Final Fantasy, and I love Jak and Daxter. This is just a humorous mixture of the two.**** Final Fantasy games to be included: Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy VII, Fin****al Fantasy X,**** and Final Fantasy XII.**** Plus a few random cameos from the others.**

* * *

(Nameless Final Fantasy Land)

The four nameless Warriors of Light were on their way to the Chaos Shine to finally stop the two thousand year cycle of hate (Let's just call them Leo, Wedge, Sara, and Gilles.) When a portal suddenly opened up in front of them.

"Hey, I've got an idea!" Wedge said. He was a Ninja, so he was really cowardly. "Let's not go into the Chaos Shine, fight Chaos, and win the game! Let's go through that thing!"

Even though the sprites had pretty big heads, they were brainless, because gaming technology back in the eighties didn't allow for brains. "Okay." They said, and they all jumped in.

Behind them, the Princess Sarah cried out. "Wait, Warrior-who-I-never-found-out-the-name-of! Come back and help me make babies!" But it was too late. They were gone, baby-making organs and all.

* * *

(Nameless Final Fantasy II land)

In the castle Pandemonium, the four friends, Firion, Maria, Guy, and Leon were about on level 3, hoping that they were almost done with the Castle. Little did they know, there were ten levels.

"Man, I'm tired of this castle. It's pink, and it's hurting my eyes." Firion said.

"What's wrong with pink?" Maria asked.

"It brings back memories." Firion said.

"Oh, you mean when the Princess tried to seduce you?" Maria asked.

"What? Firion almost got laid by the Princess?" Leon asked. He hadn't been there, because he was off doing evil things.

"It wasn't the Princess! It was a snake-woman! And she tried to eat me!" Firion yelled.

"The Princess is a snake-woman?" Guy asked, because he was still pretty brainless. The only thing he was good for was talking to beavers.

Firion sighed. "Never mind."

Suddenly, a portal opened up in front of them. As they stared at it, Princess Hilda ran up behind them. "Firion! Don't you want a good-luck kiss before you face the Emperor?"

"AUGH! Snake-woman!" Firion yelled, jumping into the portal to escape the snake-woman, who actually was Princess Hilda this time. Maria, Guy, and Leon followed him because they were strangely attached to Firion.

"Wait!" Princess Hilda cried. And unlike Princess Sarah before her, she actually thought to jump into the portal before it closed.

* * *

(Nameless Final Fantasy VII land)

Cloud and the gang were walking along, when suddenly they were ambushed by Kadaj and the gang. If you're wondering why it isn't Sephiroth the Mega-Bastard, it's because the author hasn't played Final Fantasy VII, and has only watched Advent Children.

"Where's Mother?" They demanded.

"Dude, didn't I kill you?" Cloud demanded.

"Man, this is a Final Fantasy; bad guys can come back to life for no apparent reason." Kadaj said.

"Give us Mother!" Loz and Yazoo yelled.

"That's getting kind of old." Cloud moaned.

Kadaj then picked up his motor-bike, because they are all apparently fifty times stronger than a human, able to jump like a hundred feet without any effort, and able to take a bullet in the head without any permanent damage, and threw it at Cloud, who jumped thirty feet in the air to avoid it.

However, as Cloud came back down, a portal opened out of nowhere. And it sucked in Cloud, Tifa, and Kadaj. It left the rest of the gang behind because the author didn't know their characters so well. And it left behind Loz and Yazoo because they suck.

* * *

(Spira, Final Fantasy X land. Wow! A Final Fantasy land that finally has a name!)

Tidus, Yuna, and the gang were walking along path inside Sin. Tidus was boring all the others stupid with his constant questions and his running away from fights. (Tidus has the Flee ability, so he runs away from fights.)

"Stop running, eh!" Wakka said after the thousandth time of Tidus running away. "We're not little babies! We can handle these monsters!"

"But it's the only useful thing I can do besides casting Haste!" Tidus said. They were attacked by weak little fodder creatures and Tidus, yep, ran away again.

"Sigh." Yuna, Auron, Wakka, Rikku, Lulu, and Kimarhi said.

Suddenly, a portal opened up in front of them. "Hey, you think that's a shortcut to daddy?" Tidus asked, pointing at it.

"RPG Cliché number whatever…" Auron said, because he knew everything. "Any shortcut is going to take longer and be harder than the regular way."

"I'm gonna kill you, Daddy!" Tidus yelled as he jumped into the portal.

"Why do we have to keep rescuing him, eh?" Wakka asked. They all jumped into the portal. Except Kimarhi. He sucks, so he got eaten by a Malboro. None of the others missed him.

* * *

(Ivalice, Final Fantasy XII Land)

Vaan and the group were walking through the Bahamut, which actually isn't a summoned creature, but is a flying fortress warship. After sitting back for a few minutes and watching Bahamut lay the smack-down on the rebel forces, they finally decided to help out.

"Man, I was watching that." Vaan complained.

"But it is my duty as future-Queen to stop the empire." Ashe said.

"I thought a Queen's duty was to sit around on a throne and have babies?" Vaan asked. Ashe knocked Vaan over the head with her sword.

"You inconsiderate jerk! My husband is dead and you go and say something like that?" She demanded.

"He's been dead for two years! Move on!" Vaan said. "I could always replace him." This time, Penelo whacked him over the head, because we all know she's secretly in love with Vaan.

"Enough. We've got to stop Vaine from laying down the smack-down on the rebel forces."

"Make way, leading man coming through." Balthier said, but he got shot by an Imperial. "Ow."

"Oh, Balthier, let me help you!" Fran cried, because we all know that she's secretly in love with him. Why else would a viera turn her back on her entire race and culture to go sailing around with a guy with a British accent?

Suddenly, yep, a portal opened up in front of them. And, yep, they decided to jump in to see where it went. (Yes, I'm getting bored of this part.)

* * *

(Jak's world, also nameless.)

It was a few weeks after the defeat of the Metal-Head Leader, and Jak and Daxter were just hanging out, doing nothing. Well… that's not entirely true. Daxter was cat-calling at hot women in the streets, and Jak was fighting off their jealous boyfriends crying out. "But it wasn't me!"

Finally, Jak managed to get away and he glared up at the rodent on his shoulder. "Why do you have to do that?" Jak demanded. "Can't you at least cat-call at women who don't have their protective boyfriends walking next to them?"

"Ah, come one, Jak. It's not like you can't handle them!" Daxter said. "Just go Dark and chew their asses!"

"What if I don't want to!?!" Jak said. "There's more to life than beating the crap out of other people!"

"Wow. That was really out of character." Daxter commented.

Suddenly, the first cameo started. There was a poof, and a strangely dressed man appeared in front of them. "WOOT!" He cried. "Give me your legendary sword, NooBs!"

Jak jumped in shock. "Who the hell are you?" He demanded.

"I'm Gilgamesh, Bee-owch!" The strange warrior yelled. "Give me your legendary sword, or the Gil-man's going to lay the smack-down on you!"

"Uh… we don't have a 'legendary sword'." Jak said, holding up the MorphGun. "We have these."

"Gasp!" Gilgamesh gasped, literally saying the word 'gasp' for no good reason. "A legendary thingy-ma-bob!" He yanked it out of Jak's hands. "Yoink!" He laughed like a maniac. "See ya, suckas!" Gilgamesh poofed out of existence again.

* * *

(Okay, I exaggerated Gilgamesh a little… not a lot, but just a little. Yes, Gilgamesh is really like that. He's weird.)

* * *

Jak stared at his empty hands. "He took my MorphGun!" Jak began to cry, because he was secretly in love with his MorphGun. (Okay, I'm kidding.) But he loved it just enough that it wasn't creepy.

"Man, that guy was weird." Daxter said, ignoring his friend's misery. "And what kind of name is Gilgamesh? Honestly?"

Suddenly, five portals appeared out of nowhere, and various people fell out of each one, all of them dressed strangely, none of them elves, and all of them weird-looking, just like the meanie who stole Jak's MorphGun.

Four people fell out of the first one. Five people out of the second. Three people out of the third. Six out of the forth. And six out of the fifth. All of them were groaning and trying to get up.

One of the first group, dressed in heavy armor, looked up at Jak. "Hey! An elf! How is your Prince doing?"

"What?" Jak asked, confused. As far as he knew, he hadn't seen this stranger before, and he was the Prince.

"I don't know… he looks like a deformed Guado to me." One of the fourth group, a young boy said.

"Don't say that!" An orange-haired man said behind him, whacking him over the head. "Err… nice Guado… don't hurt us now. We had no choice but to kill Seymour, yah."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about." Jak said.

"RPG Cliché rule number whatever…" Auron said again wanting to bestow his wisdom on the groups. "When you're out wandering around the world, you must kill everything you meet. People, animals, plants, insects, fire hydrants, small cottages… anything and everything are just plain out to get you."

"Wow! You actually said something that made sense!" Tidus said, drawing his Brotherhood sword and rushing Jak. "DIE, strange thingy that must die!" However, because Jak is so badass, he grabs the sword and breaks it in half. (He's still pissed about his MorphGun getting stolen. "No! Brotherhood!" Tidus cried, and then he ran away. "Security!" (Read The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira.)

And then Gilgamesh appeared again, but before Jak could kick the literal crap out of him of stealing his beloved MorphGun, the strange warrior gathered the broken pieces of Brotherhood. "Haha! Mine!" And he disappeared again. Now you know how he had it in Final Fantasy XII.

"Oh yeah?" Cloud yelled standing up, drawing his freaking huge sword. "He's just a Blitzball-playing pussy, take me on!" But Cloud's just an emo guy, and badass beats emo any day of the week. Jak eats him for breakfast. And Cloud, being the emo guy he is, goes off and cries about how he can't help anyone.

But then something happens that Jak didn't expect… the protective girlfriends. Yuna and Tifa, angry that Jak had beaten their boyfriends so easily, beats the elf like an egg. Yuna summons Anima and blasts Jak with Oblivion and Tifa beats what's left of him. But Daxter steals a Phoenix Down from Lulu's cleavage and brings Jak back to life.

"Whoa. What was that?" Jak asked.

"Firion! Do something!" Princess Hilda cried.

"I don't take orders from snake-women!" Firion said.

"But I'm not a snake-woman! I love you!"

"I thought you loved Gordon?" Maria asked.

"He's a pussy and he left his smokin' hot brother, Scott, to die in battle." Princess Hilda said. "Firion's much cooler!"

"Snake-woman!" Firion yelled, drawing his sword. He laid the smack-down on Princess Hilda and she flashed a few times and went away. In other words, she died!

"Hey…" Vaan mused to the others. "Do you think Montblac will give us a reward if we beat this guy?"

"Perhaps." Balthier said. "It's worth a shot."

Basch looked over at Auron. "How do you know all these things?" He asked.

"RPG Cliché rule number whatever… every woman in the game will find the male lead incredibly attractive." Auron said, even amazing Jak.

"Wow! That's amazing! That's so true… well… everyone except Tess." Jak said.

Vaan stood up. "Zodiark! Lay down some smack-down, Final Fantasy XII-style! Final Eclipse!" But nothing happened because Vaan wasn't petrified.

"That was anti-climatic." Jak said. He was expecting something cool after what Yuna and Tifa did. "Man, can only the girls fight?"

"Hey, baby, how about you and me go out to dinner?" Daxter asked Lulu, staring at her cleavage.

"How about no." Lulu said.

"How about yes?" Daxter asked.

Lulu than blasted Daxter with Ultima. Daxter, who somehow survived, cried. "Jak! She tried to kill you!"

"Uh… you know that magic can't miss, right?" Lulu asked. "So there are two options. Either I'm hopelessly incompetent, or I tried to kill you. And the answer is: I tried to kill you."

"Jak! Kick the hot woman's ass!" Daxter yelled.

But, Kadaj had finally gotten sick of the whole thing. "I'm sick of this whole thing!" He yelled. "Time for you to know real terror!" He pulled out a bottle that was marked: 'Jenova Head-Juice' and drank it in one gulp.

"Oh no! He's got Jenova's Head Juice!" Cloud gasped in horror.

Jak was just confused. "Err… what's Jenova Head-Juice?" He was about to get his answer… kinda.

"RPG Cliché rule number whatever…" Auron said, just to be helpful. "Trade of technology will not exist. One place in the world will have all the techno-gadgets, while all the others will be harvesting dirt."

"That doesn't really answer my question." Jak said.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and Kadaj disappeared. He was replaced by Sephiroth, the One-Winged Angel! The music 'One-Winged Angel' began to play in the background. Daxter turned to the chick with the radio. "Man, turn that down!"

"Sorry." The girl apologized, and turned the music off.

"Whoa! You changed!" Jak said. "Were you experimented on too?"

"Kinda." Sephiroth said.

"But how come you need that juice stuff to change?" Jak asked. "I just have to get mad."

The author shrugged. "I didn't play Final Fantasy VII. Then it would probably make sense to me."

"What are you doing here? Get behind the scenes!" Jak yelled. The author shuffled off behind the scenes.

Sephiroth pulled out a sword that was, like, twenty feet long. "Prepare to meet your doom, long-eared freak!"

"Sephiroth, you're an even bigger freak than that freak!" Cloud yelled. "You want to destroy the planet!"

"So?" Sephiroth asked coldly.

"Where would you live then?" Cloud asked.

"What?" Sephiroth asked.

"Well, if you destroyed the planet, how would you survive in the total emptiness of space without any oxygen?"

"Man, I don't know." Sephiroth said. "But I can, like, fly and stuff, so living without oxygen shouldn't be a problem. Besides, I'm too badass to die from such a stupid reason."

Then Cloud and Sephiroth began to argue about the possibility of surviving in space without the planet's oxygen. While they were arguing, Gilgamesh popped out of nowhere again and stole Sephiroth's twenty-foot long sword. "Yea! Stealing swords is fun!" Gilgamesh laughed. Then he stole Leo's, Firion's, Cloud's and Vaan's swords for good measure. "Yippee!" He disappeared again.

"Uh…" Jak began. "I don't know if you noticed, but that freak Gilgamesh just stole all your swords."

"What?" They asked, and then they noticed their missing swords. "Gilgamesh!" Leo, Wedge, Sara, Gilles, Vaan, Ashe, Basch, Penelo, Balthier, and Fran yelled.

"You guys know him?" Jak asked.

"Yeah. He's a freak who steals swords." Vaan said.

"He didn't get my sword." Leo said.

"He just did, you idiot!" Vaan said.

"RPG Cliché rule number whatever…" Auron said. "No matter how thoroughly devastate the continent/planet/universe is, there's always some shopkeeper who survived the end of the world and sits outside the gates of the villain's castle, selling the most powerful equipment in the game, like nothing ever happened."

"Shut up, you weirdo!" Jak yelled. "I say we join forces for no particular reason and stick it to that sword-and-gun-stealing-freak, Gilgamesh!"

They all agreed for no particular reason, and they headed off together to find Gilgamesh and 'stick it to that sword-and-gun-stealing-freak', just like Jak said.

By this time, Tidus had come back, once he realized that security wasn't going to help him. He tried to get help from the Krimzon Guards, but they just called him a pussy and gone ape-shit on him. Besides, they weren't going to help him beat Jak anyway. None of the guards that were left had the balls to face Jak, because they knew they would just get disemboweled for their trouble. Now, Tidus and Jak were arguing about who had it worse in terms of their fathers.

"My old man always hogged my mother to himself and I could hear them making love into all hours of the night." Tidus said.

"I never knew my father or my mother." Jak said.

"My old man's a jerk who was obsessed with his career and always called me a sissy because I couldn't perform his special shot right." Tidus said.

"My father went and got himself overthrown and killed by his own general." Jak said.

"My old man's a giant whale-like creature who destroys entire towns for the sheer fun of it." Tidus said. "Oh, and by the way, I'm not even real. I'm just a dream of an ancient civilization."

Then Jak beat the crap out of Tidus for winning the argument.

"Security!" Tidus called, but they were still in Zanarkand, and ignored him completely.

Finally, they made it to the magic poof place where Gilgamesh hides, wherever that is. Lining the walls were hundreds of thousands of swords and other assorted weapons.

"Hey!" Auron cried, picking up a sword. "I thought I lost this ages ago!"

"Hey!" Yuna gasped. "You actually said something without it being an RPG Cliché!"

"Oh… I mean…" Auron paused. "RPG Cliché number whatever… Although the boss monster terrorizing the first city in the game is less powerful than the non-boss monsters that are only casual nuisances later in the game, nobody from the first city ever thinks of hiring a few mercenaries from the later cities to kill the monster."

"I guess I spoke too soon." Yuna sighed.

"My MorphGun!" Jak cried, pulling it out of the pile. "Don't worry, Daddy's here." Jak said, cradling it like a baby. The others stared at him. "What?" The elf demanded.

The other's began to find their swords when Gilgamesh poofed in, holding the old Baron's Eco-sword. "Ha! I finally found the most powerful sword on the planet!" He cried.

"I think that's the only sword on the planet." Jak commented.

"What? What are you NooBs doing here?" Gilgamesh asked. "Trespassers! I'll boil you alive in Jenova Head-Juice for this!"

"What do you know about Mother's head juice?" Sephiroth asked.

Gilgamesh held up the bottle that said 'Jenova's Head-Juice.'

"No! Mother!" Sephiroth cried. It was Gilgamesh's last and greatest mistake. No one was allowed to touch Jenova's Head Juice expect for Sephiroth. Just the sight of someone else touching it made his blood boil. So Sephiroth, proving that he's such a villain badass that he can take down another villain, precedes to lay the smack-down on Gilgamesh. He calls Meteor and blasts Gilgamesh to smithereens. Unfortunately, Meteor should only be used for destroying whole planets, not just one person. So the force of the blast blows the Final Fantasy characters all the way back to their native lands, and Jak wakes up in bed, screaming.

"AUGHHH!"

Daxter also woke up screaming. "AUGHHH! What's going on!?!"

"Oh my Precursors, Dax! I just dreamed that a bunch of weirdos came, stole my gun, tried to beat me up, joined forces, and blew up the weirdo who stole my gun!" Jak half-yelled.

"Jak… I think you need to lay down on the booze." Daxter groaned.

* * *

**LES: Fin! Yes, all of Auron's lines were from the Grand List of RPG Clichés. The much longer list can be found on the internet somewhere. Just type 'RPG Clichés' into Google. It's really funny. So, what do you think? Dumb, but funny.**** The first draft, I wanted to see how many times I could put in the phrase 'lay the smack-down' in without it being annoying. Turns out, it was annoying. So I had to go back and change some. Still left it in where it was funny. Especially when Gilgamesh says it. Gilgamesh is a real Final Fantasy villain from FFIV, and he was only exaggerated a little for this fanfic. That's basically what he does… steal swords.**


	13. Jak Python and the Holy Grail

**Jak Python and the Holy Grail**

**By Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: PG-13 for****, language,**** lots of death, funny stuff, some sexual stuff, and just good old-fashioned humor!**

**Summary: Now, Jak has to face the crazy characters of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Let's just say that he likes some of them more than he likes others. Jak and Daxter/Monty Python and the Holy Grail crossover!**

**Disclaimer: Jak and Daxter are owned by Naughty Dog. Monty Python and the Holy Grail is owned by Monty Python.**

**LES: This started out as a comic, but then it got really big as I kept adding stuff to it. So I decided to turn it into a humorous fic.

* * *

**

It was a nice sunny day in Haven City, but one elf in particular was not going to enjoy the day one bit. Jak had just been called to have a little chat with Samos. Jak's little chats with Samos rarely turned out to be good. Jak vividly remembered the time Samos had forced him to sign some sort of crappy 'release' form stating that any deaths around him in the line of duty was Jak's fault. Torn, apparently, was getting sick of being sued for the things Jak did.

Sure enough, when Jak walked in, Samos looked very grave. The type of grave look he always wore when someone was trying to take over the world or destroy it. It was always one or the other. And, guess what, Jak was always the one who had to clean the crap up.

"Jak, we've got a serious problem." Samos said gravely.

Jak rolled his eyes. "We've always got a problem, Samos."

Samos chose to ignore the elf and looked off into the distance… through a wall. "We've received reports of a new monster terrorizing the Strip Mine. We need you to go out and eliminate it."

"No prob." Jak said. "But only under one condition. That you don't force me to have to babysit a bunch of Underground Warrior wanna-bes!"

* * *

Much later, Jak was walking through the Strip Mine, and of course, he was babysitting a bunch of Underground Warrior Wanna-bes, UWWB's for short. _Go to Hell, Samos! That's what I should have said. Go f&&& yourself and go to Hell!_ Jak thought dejectedly to himself. 

However, before he and the group of UWWB's had even made it a few feet into the Strip Mine, two guards ran up to the group, and the first guard instantly glomps a very surprised Jak, while the other one hangs back a ways. "Oh thank God! I'm too young to die!" The guard glomping Jak yelled, sounding like he was in tears.

The second one spoke up, sounding embarrassed at the way his friend was behaving. "Dude, aren't you, like, forty?"

"Who cares?" The first guard cried. "I'm still too young to die!"

"Uh…" Jak began. "Why are you hugging me?"

"I don't wanna die a virgin!" The guard yelled, holding onto Jak tighter.

"Get the f&&& off me!" Jak yelled.

* * *

And so, after a harrowing battle, Jak managed to escape with his sexuality intact and undefiled. The same couldn't be said of the guards, not their sexuality, but of their lives, which were now non-existent. Jak shivered. "Damn. That was close! Oh well. Two KG less in the world." 

Suddenly, one of the UWWB's, who shall be called Paul, spoke up. "Look!" And everyone looked in the direction that Paul was pointing. Sitting there, looking completely innocent, was a little white bunny rabbit!

Jak suddenly growled in annoyance. "Oh COME ON! We were sent out here for this?!?"

Paul suddenly spoke up. "I pissed myself I was so scared!"

Everyone stared at him.

A minute later, Paul was dead and Dark Jak was wiping blood off his claws as he changed back into normal. "Well, now that that's taken care of… let's take care of that stupid rabbit." Jak pointed at another UWWB, whose name was Joe Bob. I know. His parents did not know how to pick a good name. "You, slave. Go blow its head off!"

Joe Bob glared at Jak and grumbled. "I'm not your slave!"

The next second, Jak was holding a smoking gun over Joe Bob's dead body. "Did I give you bitches permission to speak?" Jak demanded.

The next UWWB, John, spoke up. "No, sir!"

Jak stared at John a few seconds, and then cocked his gun.

So, after Jak had killed John, and the number of UWWB's was now reduced to half its original number, Jak growled in annoyance again. "Someone, anyone, go blow its fing head off NOW!"

The remaining three UWWB's ran down toward the innocent looking rabbit, who turned out to be not-so-innocent. With a giant leap, the rabbit jumped at the first UWWB and used its teeth to saw through his neck. He then jumped around, giving the others the same treatment. Needless to say, it was a bloodbath. Jak looked on in awe.

"Wow! Any creature that can kill that well deserved to live!" Jak said. It was at that moment that he decided that it would be a disservice to kill the creature. It had to live; it was just that good at killing. "Whoever thought a rabbit could be such a gifted killer?"

Suddenly, Tim the Enchanter popped up out of nowhere, causing Jak to jump in shock. "That's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you've ever set eyes on!"

Jak rolled his eyes. "Obviously, you have never met Daxter. You seem familiar. Who are you?"

"There are those who call me… Bob?" Tim the Enchanter said.

"Wait. That's not right. I thought you were Tim the Enchanter." Jak said.

Tim laughed. "Oh yes. Tim. That's the one!"

Jak stared at the enchanter in shock. "And don't you always blow stuff up?"

"Nee!" Tim said suddenly.

"What was that?" Jak asked.

"Nothing. Nee!" Tim said.

"Wait!" Jak said, pointing at Tim the Enchanter with great melodrama. "You're not Tim the Enchanter! You're one of the Knights Who Say Nee!"

Suddenly, Tim the Enchanter pulled off his Tim the Enchanter costume to reveal that he was, indeed, the Leader of the Knights Who Say Nee. "Boo! LOL! Yes, we are the Knights Who Say Nee! In order to get out of this Mine alive, you must bring us a Shrubbery!"

Several knights in the background said "Shrubbery! Shrubbery! Bring us a Shrubbery!" One rebellious knight said "Nee!"

"And then, you must chop down the mightiest tree in the forest… with… a herring!" The Lead Knight Who Says Nee said.

"A herring! A herring!" The other Knights Who Say Nee said.

"Nee!" The same rebellious knight said.

Jak suddenly grinned and spoke the one word that could scare the Knights Who Say Nee. "IT!"

"NOOOOOO!!!!" The Knights of Nee cried as they ran away in pure terror of that one word that the Knights of Nee could not bare to hear.

Jak looked around in shock, not sure what he would see next. But it finally dawned on him what had happened. "OMG! The world has been invaded by Monty Python and the Holy Grail characters! Which wacko will I run into next?" Suddenly, an evil grin spread across Jak's face. "I hope it's the castle full of virgins!"

Suddenly, the French guy popped out of nowhere and started to do what he did best. Insulting people, this time, it was Jak. "Ah-ha! It's a long-eared, wiper of other people's bottoms! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"Hold on a second!" Jak said loudly. "I think you're confusing me with Daxter."

Daxter's mother had been a hamster, and his father smelt of elderberries.

Jak quickly walked away from the French Guy before he could think of more insults for Jak. He could still hear him going off in the distance, apparently insulting no one. "Tim, check. Knights Who Say Nee, check. French Guy, check…" He suddenly spotted an immobile figure up ahead. "Wait! Is that… the Black Knight?!?"

"In the flesh, baby." The Black Knight said.

"Aren't you the guy who can have all your limbs hacked off and not feel any pain?" Jak asked, the grin on his face growing wider.

"Sure. Cause I rock." The Black Knight said.

An evil grin spread across Jak's face.

A minute later, Jak was having the time of his life ripping off the Black Knight's limbs. "Wee! This is fun!"

"I dare you to try that again, you yellow bastard!" The Black Knight yelled as Jak removed some more limbs.

* * *

Some time later, after leaving the Black Knight to pull himself back together, quite literally, Jak was on the move again, and he came to a castle. "OMG! It's a dream come true! Castle Anthrax!" He grinned evilly. "Time to 'punish' some naughty virgins!" 

Suddenly, Samos appeared out of nowhere. "No! You took a vow of celibacy!"

It took Jak a second to remember what celibacy was, but when he did, he was outraged. "What?!? I never swore that I wouldn't have sex!"

"Yes, you did. I made you do it after you started dating Keira. It was the fine print on that release form you signed." Samos held up the release form. Sure enough, the fine print read: 'Also, I swear never to have sex.'

"You said the fine print didn't matter and to ignore it!" Jak yelled.

"You should know better than to not read what you are signing." Samos said. "Anyway, now that it's binding, you can never have sex. If you try, your manhood will rot and fall off."

"DAMN!" Jak swore loudly.

Daxter suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and laughed loudly at Jak's misfortune. "Sucks to be you!"

"I wouldn't talk if I were you. You took a vow of silence." Samos said. "Now your mouth will rot and fall off."

"What?!?" Daxter demanded.

Jak quickly ran away. He couldn't stand to be so close to a castle full of virgins who were more than willing to be punished, and not be able to take advantage of it. "Damn!" He repeated. "Looks like a life-time of masturbation for me…" He glared up at the sky. "DAMN YOU, SAMOS!!!"

Suddenly, Keira appeared. "You can't have sex with me?!? Damn! One whole month wasted!"

Jak stared at Keira. "What? I thought you loved me?"

"Nah, I just wanted in your pants." Keira said. "So… go screw yourself, sucker!" Keira flashed Jak an insulting hand gesture and walked away.

Jak stared. "I don't know whether to be upset or go rip the Black Knight up some more…" Jak growled. "Okay! That's it! If I see one more Monty Python character…!"

Suddenly, Jak was cut off by Keira's voice, off-screen. "Oh, Arthur, you're amazing!"

"Well…" Said a voice. "I am King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, and sovereign of all England!"

Jak moved over to them, staring in shock at the fact that Keira had fallen into King Arthur's arms about two seconds after she broke up with him. "Keira! You're dating that homo! WHY?!?"

"Because he can have sex without having his dick fall off." Keira said bluntly.

Jak stared at her for a second, and then remembering a book he read about King Arthur once (Okay, a book the author read once) quickly said. "Did you know King Arthur had sex with his own half-sister and had a child with her!?!"

Keira glared at King Arthur in disgust and swiftly walked away to find a new guy willing to sleep with her. (Which happened to be Lancelot, we all know what a playa he was!) "Wait, baby! It's not true!" Arthur said. Jak grinned evilly. Arthur looked at Jak. "It was dark, and I didn't see her face."

"Sure…!" Jak laughed, walking away in triumph. "WTF is this? A nightmare?"

Suddenly, Jak found himself at the side of the Bridge of Death, and the Bridgekeeper laughed at him. "Yes. This is a nightmare. And the only way to get back into the real world is to cross this bridge. He who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he sees!"

Jak remembered this part, and only feared one of the questions. Praying that the Bridgekeeper wouldn't ask the question, Jak spoke. "Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper, I'm not afraid."

"What… is your name?" The Bridgekeeper asked.

"Damn!" Jak swore. "You just HAD to start with the hard question, didn't you?" The elf trailed off, thinking. He always accepted Jak as his true name, but his father had named him Mar. Which was it? Jak Mar, or just Mar?!? Jak spoke tentively. "Jak Mar?"

"Correct." The Bridgekeeper said.

"Ha! So I'm NOT Mar!" Jak laughed like a maniac.

"What… is your quest?" The Bridgekeeper asked.

"To make everything go back to fing normal!" Jak said without hesitating.

"What Earth city most closely resembles your name?" The Bridgekeeper asked.

"Jakarta." Jak said.

"…Damn! You may go." The Bridgekeeper said.

"Yippee!" Jak yelled as he began to run across the bridge.

"But watch out for the…" The Bridgekeeper began to warn, but it was too late, there was a cracking noise and Jak fell through one of the planks into the gorge below. "…Rotten planks. Oh well."

* * *

(Down in the gorge) 

By some miracle, Jak managed to land on his feet, without breaking his legs in the process. "Where am I? Well… considering how the rest of this nightmare has gone, I'll probably be attacked by the Legendary Black Beast of AUGH." Suddenly, the Legendary Black Beast of AUGH crawled in with a loud growl. Jak rolled his eyes. "Right on time." So Jak blows the brains out of the animator who was responsible for animating the LBBOA, and it died. "Isn't that it? There's no more really funny characters in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. But how do I get home?"

Suddenly, Glenda the Good Witch from the Wizard of Oz showed up. "You could have gone home all this time."

"AUGH!" Jak screamed, because the color pink scares him.

"Just click your heels together three times and say 'There's no place like home'." Glenda the Good Witch said.

"Screw that and f&&& you, Pink lady!" Jak yelled.

"Foul language!" Glenda the Good Witch yelled. "Get out of my presence, Mr. Potty Mouth!" And Glenda the Good Witch blew Jak all the way back to Haven City.

* * *

Suddenly, Jak woke up with a gasp. "OMG! What a dream!" 

Daxter came in. "Hey, Jak! Guess what my new favorite word is?

"F&&&?" Jak guessed, because that sure as hell was his favorite word.

"No! That's your favorite word, moron!" Daxter said. "My favorite word is… Nee!"

Jak gasped in shock. "What? NOOOOOO!"

* * *

**LES: Sorry about including a little bit of the Wizard of OZ. I couldn't help myself.**** Also, the bit about Jak's favorite word is from a YouTube video called 'Jak's Favorite Word'. **


	14. Never Have A Witness Like Daxter

**Never Have ****A**** Witness Like Daxter**

**By Light-Eco-Sage**

**Rated: Teen for language and not-meant-to-be-taken-seriously Yaoi. (****JakTorn**** OMG!!!!!)**

**Summary: "It wasn't my fault. It wasn't Torn's fault either… well… maybe a little. My only mistake was having Daxter in the same room." Jak II, after Jak fights the Baron in the Palace.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, and I definitely don't own the ****JakTorn**** pairing. If you're looking to get a true Yaoi fic, I suggest you look elsewhere.**

**LES: Don't worry, it's not too bad. Have you ever read the story "They're Doing ****What****?!?" ****By someone? ****It something like that.**** Go read that story. It's basically a humorous look at how ****JakDax**** Yaoi started. Well, this is a humorous look at how ****JakTorn**** started.

* * *

**

It was fated to not be a normal day from the moment that Jak woke up that morning. He knew it. And he was right. He finally got Vin to turn on the elevator that led up to the Palace and he managed to infiltrate the heart of the Baron's power hub. Jak had fought the Baron on the roof of the Palace, and had kicked the Baron's ass, but the bastard managed to escape in an escape pod… of course. Whoever says all super-villains are destroyed easily are big fat liars.

Needless to say, Jak was in a super-bad mood. Actually… he was _always_ in a bad mood. He had not felt anything except a boiling resentment at the world in general since he busted out of prison months ago.

Things were about to get a whole lot worse.

Jak made it back into the Underground hideout, and instantly ran into Torn, Kor, and the Kid. Jak knew from the look on their faces that he was about to get grilled. The Kid had that look on his face that kids always wear when someone else is about to be yelled at. They don't like being yelled at, but they love watching other people be yelled at.

Torn looked up, his tattooed face contorted in anger. "The City's on High alert. What the hell'd you two do?!?" He demanded.

"Err…" Daxter began. "Nothing! We've been… sight-seeing. Right Jak?" Jak rolled his eyes. _What kind of sights could I possibly see in this Hell-hole?_ Jak wondered to himself.

Torn didn't seem to believe Daxter any more than Jak did, or indeed, everyone in the room. "Really? Then why are the Krimzon Guards looking for…" He glanced at a piece of paper in front of him. "A dangerous young man with light hair, blue tunic, and a rabid orange RAT on his shoulder?" Torn glared pointedly at Daxter. The Kid pointed at Jak and Daxter as if to say 'It was them!'

"Shut up, Kid!" Jak growled.

"Err…" Daxter was clearly running out of excuses. And, as always, when he was backed up into a wall, his excuses got worse and worse. "Could be anyone, right? Orange _is_ the new black, this season!"

"Look…" Jak said, rolling his eyes again. "We bullied Vin into helping turn on the elevator to the Palace; we rode up it, tripped a few alarms, and fought the Baron."

"WHAT?" Torn demanded. "I didn't authorize a strike on the…" He trailed off, apparently too pissed off to explain to Jak just how pissed off he was. After a few minutes, he glared up at Jak again. "Can I talk to you alone for a few minutes?"

Jak shrugged and followed Torn out of the room while the Kid laughed slightly, thinking that Jak was about to be punished big time. Kor shook his head. "A fool… but a brave fool." He commented as he walked out, followed by the silently laughing kid.

Daxter, with really nothing better to do, followed Jak and Torn out of the room into the hallway that led to the rooms and the offices. Torn lead Jak and, unwittingly, Daxter to his office. (Daxter hid in the rafters of Torn's office.) Once they were in, Torn exploded. He grabbed the front of Jak's tunic in a rage, pulling the elf in until they were about a few inches apart.

"You… you idiotic bastard!" Torn growled in a rage. "Do you have _any_ idea what you've done, you moron! You jeopardized our whole Underground movement with your selfish stunt!"

Jak glared back at him. "Now, listen here! I want to make _one_ thing clear. I'm only helping this rebel movement of yours because it gives me access to the Baron. If you stand in the way of my revenge, I'll take you down as easily as I take down the Baron's lapdogs!"

"Was that a threat, Blondie?" Torn asked, barely containing his rage.

"You bet it was." Jak growled. "And don't think I don't mean it either!"

"You know, if I was allowed to, I'd f&&&ing kill you right now, punk!" Torn hissed.

Daxter watched the impending drama from above, now concerned for his friend's well-being. Jak liked to pick fights all-too-often nowadays! And some times, he wasn't all that intelligent when he picked opponents… like when he picked the Baron and Erol… not to mention every Krimzon Guard and Baron-worshipper in the City… and the Metal-Heads. Can't forget the Metal-Heads.

He had to rescue his best buddy from the clutches of the evil-tattooed ex-Krimzon Guard! He could see the whole rescue scene in his mind…

* * *

Torn would go for the knife on his back and Dax-to-the-Max would leap down in a heroic swashbuckler-style and hit Torn silly about the head until he was knocked out. Then Jak would thank him profusely for saving him for the madman and Daxter, being the kind soul that he is, would tell Jak to 'Think nothing of it. I'm only doing my job!' Then, in gratitude, Jak would go buy Daxter a pair of nice Ottsel-sized pants… and underwear. Couldn't go without underwear.

* * *

The vision was so enticing that Daxter decided to do it, so in a heroic swashbuckler-style, Daxter jumped down with a cry. "I'll save you, Jak!"

However, several things went wrong with Daxter's plan almost immediately. Jak and Torn were about ready to start a full-blown yelling-over-each-other yelling match, and Jak was in the way between Torn and his assailant. That was the biggest problem. It would have worked… maybe… if Jak's head wasn't in the way of Torn's head.

So, instead of hitting Torn and slapping the tattooed elf silly, Daxter bumped into Jak's back, and knocked the surprised elf forward slightly… right into Torn…

…And their lips met.

Time froze as Daxter hit the ground and looked up to find Jak and Torn seemingly kissing! Torn still had his grip on Jak's tunic, and was unwittingly keeping the elf captive. He was so shocked that he hadn't thought to let go. And since they were both about to start yelling at the moment that Daxter had made this leap, both their mouths had been opened, which turned it into a French-kiss!

After about ten seconds, Torn finally let go of Jak, who immediately wheeled away, using every swear-word in the book. And then Daxter started laughing… laughing that the sheer sight of what he had seen.

Torn was now far beyond pissed. "DAMN F&&&ING RAT!!!! YOU MADE ME AND JAK GAY FOR ABOUT TEN SECONDS!!!!"

Jak was ignoring Torn's yells. He was in the corner, doubled over, like he was going to throw up. "I think I'm gonna be sick!" Jak announced in case people couldn't read his body language.

"OMG! The truth is EXPOSED!" Daxter giggled. "You two make a lovely couple!"

"DAXTER!" Jak yelled, still looking green-ish.

"Hey, I'm totally fine with it, and I'm not going to judge you two or anything…" Daxter began, grinning broadly.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, RAT!!!" Torn yelled.

"I just got one question. Like… which one of you is the man, and which one takes it…?"

"If you don't shut up RIGHT NOW…" Jak began. "I'll tell you who isn't going to be a man anymore… in any sense of the term!"

Daxter grinned slightly, catching Jak's threat against his manhood. Then he ran out the door, yelling. "JAK AND TORN ARE IN LUVVVVV!!!!"

Both elves gave chase. "I'LL KILL YOU!!!" Jak yelled.

"NO, BASTARD, LET ME KILL HIM!" Torn yelled at Jak as he chased after the rat behind Jak.

* * *

Eventually, Jak and Torn caught Daxter and threatened him with his life until he swore that he would never mention that ten-second kiss or alluding negatively to Jak or Torn's manhood. However, the damage was already done. Many Yaoi-loving fangirls had already heard Daxter yelling that Jak and Torn were in love, believed it, and immediately shipped the pairing.

From that day forward, any time Jak or Torn tried to say that they WEREN'T gay, and even if they were, they WOULDN'T be in love with each other, the fangirls just gushed about how they looked so cute when they denied their love.

And no one lived happily ever after… except the Yaoi-loving fangirls.

* * *

**LES: After the ****JakDax**** pairing, I think I despise this one the most. I mean… even **_**if**_** Jak were gay, which he **_**isn't**_**, he probably wouldn't love an ass like Torn. Let's face it, I don't even half-understand why Ashelin loves him, let alone anyone else! My ****hierarchy of pairings is**** as follows: Best: Jak/Keira, Daxter/Tess! Middle: Torn/Ashelin. Tolerate: Pairings between not-as-important secondary characters, objects, ****ect****. (Ex. Sig/Seem. ****Sig/PeaceMaker. ****Jak's JetBoard/Jak's MorphGun. ****Always funny.)**** Hate: Jak/Dax, Jak/Torn, Jak/Any Yaoi, Jak/Ashelin. And that's my final word!**


End file.
